


Sanctuary

by elaine



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-04-11
Updated: 1999-04-11
Packaged: 2018-11-10 19:57:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11133651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elaine/pseuds/elaine
Summary: Ray needs help to take Ben home. To Canada. This story is a sequel toVision Quest.





	Sanctuary

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The nurses all knew him, now. Some of them, the friendlier ones, he knew by name. Others, the ones who looked at him sideways when they thought he wouldn't notice, or scowled and avoided him, he knew only by sight. He didn't care about them. As long as they did their job properly, with one patient at least, he didn't care what they thought of him.  
  
"Hello, Ray. How are you?"   
  
He smiled at the middle-aged woman. "I'm OK, thanks, Jenny. How's it going?"  
  
"No change, I'm afraid." She smiled sympathetically, the same way she had for the last month.  
  
He hadn't really expected anything else, but the words never got any easier to hear.  
  
It must have shown in his face. She sighed. "You're late today."  
  
"Yeah. I got assigned a new case. It took longer than I expected to get some information I needed."  
  
Jenny patted his arm. "Tell him about it."  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, I will. Thanks."  
  
As always, it was an effort to step through the open doorway, to see what waited for him in the small, sterile room. Ray walked over to the bedside and looked down at his lover.  
  
"Hey, Benny."  
  
There was no answer, of course, there hadn't been since the day Benny had arrived here. Ray's hand instinctively reached to touch the soft dark hair, and stopped. Since Benny had been admitted, he'd come in every day. Every spare moment was spent in this room, and he'd done as much of the basic care for his lover as he possibly could. Bed baths, carefully moving him so that he wouldn't develop pressure sores, changing the IV drip, even replacing the catheter when it had been accidentally pulled free. Somehow, though Benny seemed completely unresponsive, Ray had got the feeling that he didn't like being touched.  
  
He backed away and sat in the chair beside the bed. In the early days he'd talked almost non stop and nearly lost his voice. Now he often sat for hours in silence. It was too hard to talk. Too hard to avoid saying things that couldn't be mentioned. The nurses seemed to think that Benny knew he was there, but he could never see any sign of it. Still, there were things he simply couldn't risk saying, in case Benny really could hear him.  
  
It was half an hour or more before Ray started to talk. He was so damn tired. There wasn't a moment of a single day when he wasn't constantly thinking about Benny. Made it hard to sleep at night, even harder to do his job properly. Reluctantly, he admitted to himself that Welsh had been right to assign him to the boring, routine duties that filled up his work days. He wasn't capable of doing anything else right now.  
  
"...so I go see the husband, right? And the snotty kids, and the screaming granddaughter..." He winced, remembering. "And it takes me about five minutes before I start wondering how the hell she stayed with the bastard all those years. Wouldn't surprise me if she's found some toy boy somewhere and taken him to Acapulco for the holiday of her life."  
  
He couldn't help looking to see if his words had had any effect, but of course, they hadn't. He pushed himself out of the chair and stretched.   
  
"I'm just gonna go get a coffee. I'll be back in a minute."

*

  
  
Ray woke with a start, sitting up with a groan. His watch told him it was nearly two am. The nurses must have decided to let him sleep here. It wouldn't have been the first time. There was only a dim light, now, in the room, and the quiet sound of the monitor. He walked over to the bed.  
  
Benny could simply be sleeping, except that he'd been sleeping for over a month now. He'd lost a lot of weight, and it showed in his face. His colour was bad, sallow rather than the glowing paleness Ray had always loved so much. Ray stood staring down and prayed, not for the first time, that it would all end, one way or another. The doctors said he could wake any time, that he simply didn't want to. Ray couldn't even bring himself to wish for his lover to wake, not when he knew what Benny would have to face if he did.  
  
Perhaps it was just wishful thinking, but Benny seemed to be a little closer to the surface tonight. Ray leaned over, studying the still face. His lips were slightly parted, and dry. Ray wiped a damp cloth across them and saw the shadowed eyelids flicker. His heart had begun to pound violently and he had to remind himself that this had happened before, and Benny hadn't woken.  
  
Still, the hope that Benny might wake wouldn't let him be. He leaned a little closer.  
  
"Benny?"  
  
Dark lashes fluttered briefly and Ray saw that his lover's eyes were opened to the merest slits.  
  
"Benny? Please..."  
  
A faint sound came from the bed. As Ray watched the pale throat ripple as Ben swallowed.   
  
"Ray... take me home..." His voice was rough, and so weak Ray could almost have believed he'd imagined it. The shadowed eyes shut again and the room was suddenly empty.

*

  
  
"Take me home." What the hell had he meant? Not back to the apartment, surely. Ray would never willingly set foot in there again, nor would he allow Benny to do so. He'd already shifted all Benny's belongings out of there and into his own home. That was where he intended to take Benny, no matter what his family thought about it, if he should ever recover enough to leave hospital.  
  
He wasn't prepared to find that the doctors refused to believe it had been anything but a dream... It  _had_  happened. It was so clear in his mind. Benny  _had_  woken. He might again, at any time. Except that he didn't. In any case, the hospital refused to even consider Ray's request to take Benny out of there. He wasn't the patient's next-of-kin, he wasn't a relative of any kind. They explained, with perfunctory smiles, that they'd only allowed him to remain close out of sympathy for his relationship with the patient. They had an obligation under the law, and he had no rights at all.  
  
Ray backed off then, sensing that if he pushed too hard, they'd keep him away from Benny altogether. There was obviously no point in telling the bureaucracy that he and Benny were married, according to Tshimshian custom at least. It didn't mean anything, here in Chicago. They'd just think he was crazy. So he kept quiet, and stayed close. And he thought about what Benny might have meant by "home". When he was sure, he made a phone call.

*

  
  
Buck Frobisher stood at the foot of the hospital bed and stared down at the young man he'd grown to like and admire. Or, what was left of him. He'd lost a lot of weight. Bob Fraser's son. The last of a breed, and probably dying...  
  
"What happened to him, son?" He transferred his gaze to Ray Vecchio. Benton's lover, he'd just discovered. The knowledge made him uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as the sight of his best friend's son lying in that hospital bed.  
  
Ray's eyes lifted to his, dark and brooding. "He was gang raped. Five or six of them, the doctors think. He must have fought... both his shoulders were dislocated... That's how they figured the rape came first. Then they beat him to a pulp and left him to die. He nearly did."  
  
Buck made a sound, half sympathy, half disgust. "Didn't they find the men?"  
  
Ray simply shook his head. "I don't even care anymore. I just want what's best for Benny."  
  
Buck nodded. The boy had asked him for help, and he was duty bound to give it. He would have wanted to in any case. His eyes strayed back to the still figure and lifted again to Ray's.  
  
"What can I do, Ray?"  
  
The American swallowed, holding his gaze. "I want you to help me get him back to Canada."

*

  
  
It was madness, of course, but Ray wouldn't be persuaded. He was absolutely convinced that Benton wanted this, and simply threatened to do it on his own, if Buck refused to help. He'd thought it all out. He'd taken every cent he owned out of the bank and changed it into Canadian currency. He'd even found a buyer for that old car of his. Most importantly, he'd managed to get hold of the medical supplies that Benton would need.  
  
Bowing to the inevitable, and unwilling to betray Benton's lover, Buck found himself smuggling an unconscious body out of the hospital in the early hours of the morning, only a little more than twenty four hours after he'd first arrived in the United States. It hadn't been difficult to find a scow to smuggle the pair across the lake into Canada. He would be there to meet them on the other side, with a car, and Diefenbaker, to help Ray take Benton north to the cabin. Not his father's cabin, that would be too obvious... Buck doubted anybody here in Chicago would know about his own cabin, built not twenty kilometres from Bob's old place.  
  
There wasn't much time to think after that. Buck called ahead to organise the supplies Ray would need with Winter fast approaching. He left Ray to settle Benton in the cabin's only bed and went into town to pick up the supplies. Then it was time to go. He looked at Ray, hovering around the bed, and wondered if he'd really done the right thing.  
  
Ray seemed to be in no doubt. He turned away from the bed, almost reluctantly.  
  
"Thanks Buck. Now forget you ever saw us, OK?"  
  
Buck hesitated. "Are you sure about this, Ray? What happens if he doesn't wake before the medical supplies run out? In a couple of weeks you could be completely cut off from the outside."  
  
Ray looked away suddenly. "I don't think he  _will_  wake. I think he wanted to come back here to die."  
  
"Son..." He took a step forward and stopped as Ray's eyes bored into him.  
  
"It's up to him, now. That's the way it should be. Even the doctors said he'll only wake if he wants to."  
  
It was an argument he could understand. Possibly the only one that would allow him to walk out of there and leave the two young men behind. It didn't help him feel good about it, though. He didn't expect to see either of them again. Not alive.

*

  
  
It was a relief to be alone. Now he could simply concentrate all his energies on Benny, the way he ought to. Ray closed the door on the outside world and turned back into the dimly-lit cabin. It was ideal for what he wanted. Small enough to keep warm easily. They'd be completely isolated once the snows came again, they'd barely got through themselves. Buck was right, in two weeks or less, the roads would be impassable until Spring.  
  
Ray went over to the bed and looked down at his lover. The still face showed the strains of the journey, even though he'd never once woken. Thank God. The three day journey had been a nightmare, but it was worth it now. Now Benny wouldn't have to have strangers looking after his needs. Ray wouldn't have to think about anything but caring for Benny. It hadn't taken him long to set up the IV drip and settle Benny in the three quarter sized bed. Big enough to allow two to sleep in it, though Ray wouldn't be using it. Dief had immediately leapt onto the bed and settled by Benny's side, and Ray thought that might help.  
  
A huge yawn shook him. He'd hardly slept the whole three days and nights of the journey. Now it was time for him to rest too. He unrolled his sleeping bag and laid it on the thin mattress that was his only protection against the cabin floor. He never thought he'd sleep like this, but it didn't matter. Nothing seemed to matter much anymore. He was asleep almost immediately.

*

  
  
The days passed in a blur. Already, it was dark twenty out of the twenty four hours, and Ray simply lost track of time. Everything revolved around the silent occupant of the bed. Washing him, turning him, shaving him, changing the drip, the catheter bag. Occasionally remembering to cook a pot of stew which he mostly fed to Dief. Letting Dief out when he needed to go. Sleeping. Talking to Benny, and finally, in desperation, reading his father's journals out loud.  
  
Then, almost without warning, the day he'd dreaded arrived. It was one thing to know, in his head, that this was what Benny wanted, and quite another to be faced with the reality. He unhooked the last bag from the IV and carefully removed the needle from the limp arm.  
  
"This is it, Benny. Now you have to decide." He couldn't stop himself from stroking back a soft tendril of hair from Benny's forehead. He leaned over and placed a light kiss on the spot. "It's up to you now."  
  
Suddenly the cabin felt overpoweringly claustrophobic. Ray walked outside, closing the door behind him. There was a storm blowing up, the third since he'd been there. It was a tempting thought just to walk out into it and never come back. He couldn't do it, though. What if Benny did pull through? Ray shook his head and laughed. It wasn't going to happen, and yet... and yet, he couldn't take that chance. He scrubbed the tears from his cheeks, before they could freeze there, and went back inside.  
  
Now time seemed to drag. How long would it take for an unconscious man to die from dehydration? Benny could have told him. Dief watched him anxiously as he paced, afraid to sleep. Afraid to wake up to a dead lover. However bad it would be to watch Benny die, that would be worse.  
  
Dief's agitated whine startled Ray out of a half sleep. He sat up straighter in the armchair, suddenly reluctant to approach the bed. Dief was standing over Ben, nosing at his face.  
  
"Dief? What is it, boy?" His voice was shaking. This was it.  
  
He went over and knelt beside the bed, pushing Dief away. His hand was shaking as he touched the pulse point in Ben's throat, expecting to find nothing. It was still there... weak and thready, but there.   
  
"Benny?" His voice came out as a harsh whisper. "Benny, wake up. Come back to me."  
  
The shadowed eyelids flickered. With difficulty, Ray stopped himself from grabbing his lover by the shoulders and shaking him. Another flicker and the dark lashes lifted slightly. Their eyes met for the first time in nearly two months.  
  
Ohmigod... he wasn't ready for  _this._ It simply hadn't occurred to him to prepare for Benny to awaken. He'd need... water. Dehydration. Ray sobbed as he fled across the room to scoop up a half cup of water from the pot of melted snow on the stove top. Luckily it was warm. The chill, he realised belatedly, could easily kill Benny in his weakened state.  
  
Back at the bed, he hesitated for an instant before sliding his arm under Ben and lifting him against his shoulder. Most of the water dribbled out the corners of his mouth, but Ray saw a slight ripple of the pale throat as Ben swallowed. Ten minutes later he thought he'd managed to get about a third of the water into Ben, and now his lover was sleeping again.   
  
Stumbling with exhaustion, Ray made his way over to the sleeping bag and crawled inside. 

*

  
  
Caring for Benny was a lot like looking after a baby, Ray discovered. He needed to be kept clean, and he woke at irregular intervals and needed to be fed. Ray started with thinned down sweetened condensed milk, and when that seemed to work, added some soup powder, dried eggs, and gravy from the stew to the mix. It tasted revolting, but he figured it would just about cover Benny's dietary needs until he could start eating solid food.   
  
When that would be, he couldn't begin to guess. Ben spent most of his time sleeping and when he woke, simply accepted whatever Ray did for him without a word. Gradually, Ray fell into a similar silence, only speaking to him when he had to, and taking care of his physical needs, as much as possible, while he was sleeping.  
  
The only real variation in his days was the noise level of the storms which came, one after the other, with a monotonous regularity. Even these, he hardly noticed any more. The shutters were nailed down and he only opened the door to let Dief out, briefly, when the wolf requested it. Ray's whole world revolved around the bed and its occupant.  
  
Gradually, Ben started waking more frequently and staying awake longer, and Ray was faced with another dilemma. Instinctively, he'd avoided touching Ben any more than he had to, especially while he was awake, but soon that would no longer be possible. He started pushing Ben to try sitting up, hoping to force back a little strength into the thin body and wasted muscles. It was too little, too late. One day he was halfway through the daily washing routine, when Ben woke.  
  
The muscles under his hands froze and Ray heard a shaken breath.   
  
"Benny, it's me. I'm just washing you, OK?"  
  
A tremor ran through Ben, but he nodded. "All right." It was a faint sound. An all too rare one.  
  
Ray smiled shakily, though Ben's back was turned to him at the moment. "I'm almost done."  
  
He skimped on the rest of it, and tied the strings of the hospital gown securely before drawing up the blankets. Ben remained motionless and silent. Hurriedly, Ray changed the catheter bag and went over to the cabin's one real luxury, the inside bathroom, to empty and wash it. When he came back Ben's eyes were closed.   
  
They remained closed most of the day... or night... Ray no longer took much notice, since it was dark all the time now. There was nothing much he could do about it. Benny simply wasn't strong enough to take care of his own needs, and until he was, Ray would have to do it for him.

*

  
  
Three days later, Ben sat up unaided. Four days after that, Ray brought out a tray with a washcloth, a bowl of soapy water, and a towel and left them on a small table by the bed. Then he took Dief for a walk, since there was no storm that day. When he came back, Ben was fast asleep, curled up in the bed, wearing his old red long-johns instead of the hospital gown. The bowl, washcloth and towel were back in the bathroom, along with the catheter. Ray shook his head slowly in reluctant admiration. He hadn't expected anything like that.  
  
Suddenly Dief was getting a walk whenever the weather permitted. And when they were in the cabin, he slept on the bed beside Ben. Often now, Ben would move against him, putting an arm around the wolf and burying his fingers in the thick fur. It was the only physical contact he sought, and he rarely spoke. To his dismay, Ray found he was getting jealous of the wolf.   
  
The routine changed a little now. Ray took care to be washed, shaved and dressed before Ben woke. He tried, as much as possible, to be out of the cabin while Ben performed his ablutions. If that was impossible he hid himself in a corner and put his nose in an old magazine or book until Ben had finished. Often, it was a slow and painful process, and it took all of Ray's self control not to offer his help.  
  
Ben had just finished one day, and was recovering in bed, when there was a knock on the door. Ray stared at it in shock, then glanced at Ben. His face was frozen with fear. With a sick feeling, Ray thought that perhaps the last time he'd heard someone knocking on his door had been the night he was raped. With that though uppermost in his mind, Ray grabbed Buck's old shotgun and headed for the door.  
  
There was a well muffled figure outside, completely unrecognisable until the hood was pushed back.  
  
Ray stared at him. "Eric?" His own voice sounded unfamiliar.  
  
Eric stamped his feet, clearing off the snow. "Buck told me you were here. He asked me to look in. I brought you some caribou."  
  
Caribou. Ray swallowed, and hoped he wouldn't have to gut the corpse. He'd rather starve.  
  
"Thanks. Come on in."   
  
He closed the door behind Eric, and followed him over to the stove. Eric got busy taking off the outer layers of his clothing.   
  
"How is he, Ray?" Eric kept his voice low. They were both aware that the figure in the bed hadn't moved at all.  
  
Ray shrugged. He didn't know how to answer. If he thought about it too much, he probably wouldn't be able to continue.  
  
Eric looked at him critically. "You don't look too good yourself."  
  
"Well, it's been..." he shrugged. "But it's getting better. He's stronger... looking after himself, pretty much, but he gets tired. You want a coffee?"  
  
"Love one." Eric grinned. "I'll make it."  
  
Ray took the hint, and went over to the bed. Ben was lying very still, his eyes tightly closed. He pitched his voice low. "Benny, it's Eric. He brought us a caribou."  
  
There was no response, except for a slight tightening of the eyelids. Ray sighed. Dief was lying close, looking protective, and Ray patted him lightly. "Look after him, Dief."  
  
Eric looked up enquiringly as he came over, and Ray shook his head silently. They settled into the chairs by the warmth of the old stove and Eric began talking about the village... the hunting... the kids... the old shaman who'd married him and Benny. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Ray discovered he hardly knew how to talk anymore. How many months had he been here?  
  
Eric's talking was starting to get on his nerves, after the long silence. Ray glanced over at the bed again, but Ben still hadn't moved. He realised suddenly that Eric had asked him a question.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Eric grinned. "I said, when can you come to visit? The old man wants to see you."  
  
"That's not gonna happen." Ray nodded towards the bed. "He can hardly bear to have  _me_  around. He's not strong enough to move anyway. Not that kind of distance."  
  
"Maybe the old man can help."  
  
"No!" Ray hissed the word out. "He just needs to be left alone, OK?"  
  
Eric leaned back in his chair, his face bland. "Sure. But if you ever need anything, just come."  
  
"Yeah, sure." Ray agreed without hesitation. There was no way they could get to the village anyway.

*

  
  
It took a while before Ben recovered from Eric's visit. He'd drawn even further into himself than before. For two days he didn't speak at all, or get out of the bed unless it was absolutely necessary. More worrying, he didn't eat. Neither of them was eating enough at the best of times. In a tiny corner of his mind, Ray knew it, but he didn't have the energy to do anything about it. He didn't want to eat himself, and trying to force Benny to eat was an exercise in futility. Benny ate if he wanted to, and if he didn't... well, force feeding wasn't an option.  
  
Finally, Ray made himself go outside and look at the sack of caribou parts Eric had left behind. Luckily they weren't identifiable as anything but meat, so he took a chunk inside and, once it had thawed, cut it up and made a stew. This time he tried his best, even putting some herbs and dried vegetables in, and soon the cabin was full of the scent of caribou stew. Dief was drooling.  
  
He tried a small bowl, and it wasn't too bad. He filled another bowl and carried it over to the bed.  
  
"OK, which one of you wants it?"  
  
Dief growled, and Ben opened his eyes and looked up at Ray resentfully. But he sat up, and took the bowl, and began to eat. Ray grinned at Dief.  
  
"Come on, fur-ball. Your bowl's waiting."

*

  
  
Ray was in his armchair, as usual. And, as he usually did, he sat with a magazine open on his lap, staring at the flames licking at the top of the old pot-bellied stove. Ben watched him from under half closed lids. He ought to get out of bed, he supposed, but he simply couldn't bring himself to do it. A couple of hours before, he'd forced himself to get up, wash and shave, and then he'd crawled back into bed, exhausted, and slept again.  
  
If he didn't start forcing himself to get out of bed, he'd only get weaker, but, today, he couldn't bring himself to care about that. Ben hated the feeling of being so weak, he hated the awkwardness of being closed up in a small room with Ray, with nowhere to go, and nothing to do except pretend to read the magazines and books. He wasn't interested in them, but it was better than sitting in silence, avoiding each other's eyes.  
  
It had been difficult to know how to respond to Ray, when he first woke from his long sleep. He'd been disoriented and weak, of course, but it was far more than that... almost every word, every touch of Ray's, had roused painful, half submerged memories. Not of... but even to himself, he couldn't name what had happened to him.  _Any_  memory was painful now, a reminder of how terribly his life had changed.   
  
He had found it easier to retreat into silence, and Ray had allowed him that grace. Now, he'd almost forgotten how to speak. He didn't  _want_  to speak. He didn't want to think. Most of all, he didn't want to feel, or to be reminded that he'd ever been  _able_  to feel. It was as though that part of him had died. He welcomed the silence, the emptiness of his life.

*

  
  
The storms had eased off now, but it was getting colder. Sometimes Ray would wake in the middle of the night ...though that was relative, it was always night now... too cold to go back to sleep until he'd put more wood in the stove and the cabin had warmed up a bit. He was beginning to worry about the amount of firewood they had left. When they'd first arrived, he'd been operating almost on auto-pilot, and now he couldn't be sure, but he thought they were more than halfway through the woodpile.   
  
Well, he could doze during the 'day'... Next time he woke, Ray stayed where he was, shivering, for a couple of hours until he thought it might be time to get up anyway. Dief watched him from the bed. Benny was still sleeping. Dammit, if he had a fur covered bed warmer, he'd sleep soundly too.   
  
His resentment shocked him. It was just tiredness. If only he wasn't so damn cold...  
  
He was lying awake the next night, curled up as tightly as he could get and trying not to let his teeth chatter, when Ben spoke his name quietly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
There was a long hesitation. "Ray, I'm cold."  
  
Ray groaned silently. "I think we're running low on firewood, Benny. I can't put any more on the stove tonight."  
  
Another long silence. Ray was beginning to think Ben had gone back to sleep.  
  
"There's enough room here, Ray. And then we could share the sleeping bag as well as the blankets."  
  
He couldn't believe his ears. "You mean... you want me to..."  
  
"It's the only sensible solution." Ben's voice sounded terribly uncertain.  
  
It might be the only thing that would get them alive through the Winter. Even so, Ray's heart was pounding as he unzipped the sleeping bag and spread it over the bed. It was unthinkable for him to lie on the outside of the bed... Benny would be trapped against the wall. Ray didn't much like the idea of climbing over him, either. He went to the bottom of the bed, crawled up to the top, and slid under the blankets, pressing up as close to the wall as possible.  
  
Dief, clearly indignant at being ousted from his comfortable position, jumped up onto the bed again, nearly winding Ray in the process. With a determined wriggle, he managed to settle between their bodies. Ray was cramped up against the wall, but at least he was warm, and maybe Benny would feel safer this way. He didn't sleep too well that night. Nor the next night... but at some point, they both managed to accept the situation. Just as well... it looked like being a long Winter.

*

  
  
They survived. Eric came back a few times, usually with food, but he didn't ask to come inside again, and Ray was thankful for that. He could hardly refuse to let the man come in, but he didn't want Eric, or anybody else, disturbing Ben. Gradually he'd started spending more time out of bed, getting slowly stronger. When he did, they would sit in silence in their armchairs, Ben with his nose in one of Buck's old magazines or books, Ray half dozing... he still wasn't sleeping very well.  
  
They'd tried to talk, but there were too many pitfalls. Too many memories that they didn't want to face now that their relationship was so changed. It was easier not to talk at all. As soon as the weather started to warm up a little, Ray went back to sleeping on the floor.  
  
It was really Spring now. And it was beautiful, though they rarely went outside. Ray began to worry about the future, now that it looked like they were going to have one. His money was almost gone, and they'd need more food soon. He could ask Eric to take him into the nearest township, but that was two hours drive away. Say a half hour to get the supplies, and another two hours to get back. He hadn't left Benny alone that long since they arrived here. And once that was gone, there was only Benny's savings, which he knew weren't great. Even worse, Benny would have to go into town to draw out the money...  
  
He was still thinking about that when he heard Dief whine one morning. The wolf was staring at the door, his tail moving slightly. Maybe it was Eric. Ben was sitting in his armchair, not taking any notice. Ray stood and went to the door. There were two figures in the distance, neither of them Eric. He didn't wait to see more, just dived back in and grabbed the shotgun.  
  
"Benny, stay inside, OK?"  
  
Ray slipped through the doorway, pulling the door closed behind him. He held the shotgun ready and tried to slow the pounding of his heart. It didn't help, when he identified the two figures as Lt Welsh and Inspector Thatcher.   
  
"Stay back." He hefted the shotgun, pointing it low, but in their direction.  
  
They stopped. Welsh lifted his hands slightly. "Ray, there's no need for this. Put the gun down."   
  
Welsh sounded reasonable enough, but it didn't matter. They'd want to see Benny, want to ask him questions... Ray forced back nausea at the thought of what that would do to Benny. They'd started forward again.  
  
"Don't come any closer. I'm warning you." When they didn't stop, he fired.  
  
The shot hit the ground a foot or so in front of the pair. Nobody spoke. Ray hoped they couldn't see how badly he was shaking.  
  
He took a deep breath. "Get out of here! Leave us alone."  
  
"He's alive?" Thatcher spoke for the first time. When Ray didn't answer, she raised her voice. "Ben? We want to talk to you."  
  
Ray turned the shotgun on her. "Shut up!"  
  
He didn't know if he could actually bring himself to shoot her. It would be madness, but he wasn't really surprised to recognise that he  _was_  a little mad. One thing Ray  _did_  know was that he couldn't allow anyone to hurt Benny again. Not while he was still alive.  
  
The standoff was resolved by the sound of the door opening. Ray risked a quick look. "Get back inside, Benny."  
  
"No, Ray. Let them in." Ben's voice was quiet, determined, rigidly controlled.  
  
"Ray? You do understand there's a warrant for your arrest, on charges of kidnapping and possible homicide." Welsh spoke quietly. "Let us talk to Fraser. We can take a statement and get the charges dropped."  
  
Ray's shoulder's slumped in defeat. He looked at Ben, whose face was a mask. Ben nodded.  
  
"All right."

*

  
  
Welsh stared around the single room of the cabin and wondered how the two men, one of whom had been seriously ill, had survived the Winter here. He was shocked, once he'd seen them up close, at the changes in them. Even during the month Fraser had been in hospital, Ray hadn't looked as bad as this.  
  
The cabin itself was a silent witness. The bed in one corner of the room, the sleeping bag and mattress on the other side said more about what was happening between them than any words. It was dark and claustrophobic, even on this bright spring day. The shutters remained closed. The men were even more shuttered than the cabin. They didn't touch or look at each other unless it was absolutely necessary. They didn't speak to each other. And yet there was no hostility in their silence.  
  
He gradually became aware that although Ray didn't look at Fraser directly, his attention remained focused on his lover at all times. He hovered annoyingly around the table where Margaret Thatcher was setting up a mini tape recorder to take Fraser's statement. She still looked shell-shocked from her first close look at her former subordinate.  
  
"Ray, why don't we go for a walk? You can tell me your side of it."  
  
Ray's reaction was immediate. "No. I'm staying right here."  
  
The subject of all this attention was sitting absolutely still at the table, staring down at his clasped hands. He hadn't spoken since he'd told Ray to let them inside. Now, he lifted his head slightly and looked at Welsh. Welsh found his eyes wanting to turn away and forced himself to meet the level gaze.  
  
"I think you should do as he says, Ray." And when Ray opened his mouth to object (no doubt about that)... "Please, Ray. I'd prefer it."  
  
Ray turned and walked out the door without another word. Welsh followed him.

*

  
  
It took several minutes for Welsh to shake off the uncomfortable atmosphere of the cabin. He walked alongside Ray in silence until they reached a fence, still half buried by the snow. He'd expected a flurry of questions, but Ray hadn't said a word. He was hardly identifiable as the voluble cop Welsh had worked with in Chicago.  
  
"Buck Frobisher told us where you were." He didn't add that Buck hadn't expected either of them to survive the Winter.  
  
Ray shrugged. "I suppose Thatcher leaned on him."  
  
"Ray, he was concerned about both of you. I don't think he's slept very easily this Winter."  
  
"No, I suppose not." Ray met his eyes. "Lou, what's gonna happen?"  
  
Welsh sighed. "Fraser's statement will exonerate you of any wrongdoing. You've been on suspension, on full pay, while the investigation's been going on. You can come back to Chicago and take up where you left off."  
  
"No, I  _can't._  He can't go back there. I'm amazed he can even be in the same room with Thatcher, alone. I guess it helps that she's a woman. He'll never be able to cope with Chicago."  
  
"I see." He wasn't exactly surprised. "He could get treatment."  
  
"I can't take him back. He wanted to come here. He never would have lived, if we'd stayed in Chicago."  
  
Ray wasn't being particularly rational, Welsh realised, but then he'd seen the photos of what had been done to Fraser. He doubted he'd be rational, either, in the same situation. Already, Ray was beginning to fidget.  
  
"They're taking a hell of a long time. All he has to do is tell her he wanted to come here."  
  
Welsh forced a reassuring smile. "I dare say she'll want to get a statement about the rape too..."  
  
"What?!" Ray cast a horrified look in his direction, then took off, running, for the cabin.

*

  
  
By the time he got there it was too late. Whatever had happened, it was over. Benny was sitting like a statue at the table. The tape recorder was being packed away. Ray stopped dead in the doorway. When Meg Thatcher looked at him, he thought she'd been crying, but he didn't care. He went and sat in the chair she'd used, opposite Benny.  
  
Ray waited, but there was no response from his lover. After a while he looked up at Thatcher and Welsh, standing by the door. He pushed back the chair and went over to them.  
  
"Have you got what you need? Good, then get out." If it wasn't for Benny, he'd have screamed the words.  
  
Thatcher glared at him. "You saw what they did to him. Don't you want to catch the men who did it?"  
  
Ray glanced over his shoulder, but Ben was still staring down at the table. He shoved her out of the door and pulled it shut behind them. "Damn  _right_  I saw. I've been seeing it all Winter, what they've done to him. I don't care if they're caught. All I want is for Benny not to have to be hurt anymore.  _Do_  you understand that?"  
  
He thought, for a moment that he might hit her, but Welsh's presence beside him was a reminder that he couldn't simply let go.   
  
Thatcher was blinking rapidly. "I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, he says he doesn't remember the attack."  
  
Suddenly, Ray was exhausted. "He doesn't need to." He went back into the cabin and shut the door firmly behind him.

*

  
  
Ray had been hanging around him all afternoon. Finally Ben went over to the bed and laid down, there, at least, he could get some peace. Dief joined him after a moment and he pressed his face against the harsh winter coat, and buried his fingers in the long ruff at his neck. He must have slept, because when he woke, there was the sizzling sound of food frying, and the scent of bacon in the air. In spite of himself, his mouth began to water.   
  
He pushed himself off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom alcove to wash his face. That helped with the groggy feeling. The cup of coffee Ray silently handed him was even better. It was strong... the first sip sent a jolt straight to his brain, and he sighed.  
  
Before he'd finished the cup, Ray slid a plate full of bacon, sausages and baked beans across the table. Ben stared at it in dismay. He'd never eat all that, not even half of it, and they couldn't afford to waste it.  
  
"Eat up. Welsh told me I've been suspended on full pay all Winter, so we got some extra money."  
  
It took a while to process the information. He chewed slowly, losing interest in the food almost immediately, as he usually did. He wasn't used to hearing sentences that long from Ray... he wasn't used to speaking them, for that matter.  
  
"Does that mean you still have your job, Ray?"  
  
"Not anymore."  
  
Silence fell again. Ben picked at his food. It always smelled good, but never seemed worth the effort of actually eating it. He drank some more coffee.  
  
"You could go back, though. To Chicago."  
  
Ray seemed startled. "No, I couldn't. There's nothing to go back to."  
  
"Ray, your family..."   
  
Ray scowled. "They don't need me. And I don't need the job, OK?"  
  
Ben couldn't find an argument to counter such an uncompromising statement. He returned his attention to his plate. Carefully, he speared a single baked bean and placed it in his mouth. Ray was watching him again.  
  
"If it's because of me.."  
  
"Of  _course_  it's because of you!  _Geez_ , Benny, you can't even eat what I cook for you. You'd starve to death in a week if I wasn't here!"  
  
He flinched back, his eyes filling with tears, too shocked by Ray's outburst to even be bothered by this evidence of weakness. There was a stunned silence, and then he pushed back his chair and fled to the other side of the room. To the refuge of the bed.  
  
"Benny!" Ray came and knelt beside the bed, not touching him. They never touched. Never. "I'm  _sorry_  Benny. I'm just so worked, up after this morning. I didn't mean it."  
  
"It's true. Isn't it?" He wiped the tears away with his fingertips, not meeting Ray's eyes.  
  
Ray leaned his cheek against the edge of the bed. "It doesn't matter. I won't leave you. You're my... my partner. We're married, for God's sake. We belong together."  
  
Ben buried his face in the pillow. Married... dear God... people who were married... they... He couldn't even finish the thought. "Ray, I can't... can't..."  
  
"I know. It doesn't make any difference."  
  
He couldn't answer. Eventually Ray sighed and went back to the table, leaving him there.

*

  
  
Ray had noticed the way Welsh and Thatcher had looked at the two of them. He guessed they must look pretty bad, but he'd got used to it. Now he wondered. Well, there wasn't a lot he could do about their appetites. Whether he was hungry or not, he always made sure to cook a meal every evening. Most times Benny would eat. Most times  _he_  would eat. Not a lot, though. Dief was getting fat on their leftovers.  
  
Maybe if they went out a bit, they'd eat more... With that in mind, he made an effort to get Ben to come along on his infrequent walks with Dief. At first he was reluctant, and Ray guessed he'd got comfortable with the closed in safety of the cabin. He made a point of going walking every day, and inviting Ben to come with them. They didn't go very far. Ben still tired easily, but it seemed to be doing him some good.  
  
Today Benny seemed especially tired. He'd had another nightmare last night. A bad one. They'd started after Welsh and Thatcher's visit and it didn't seem like they were going to go away anytime soon. They turned back early and were almost back at the cabin when Dief gave an excited whuff and raced ahead. Ray looked at Ben, his heart sinking. The last thing they needed was another visitor. Eric might be OK, if it was him...  
  
It was Buck.  
  
Beside him, Benny seemed quietly resigned to dealing with another human being, so Ray guessed it would be all right. For himself, he was quite pleased. They both owed Buck a huge debt, and he was an old friend. His visit might even help, who could tell? He went on ahead of Ben's slower pace to say hello, and whisper a few warnings of what to expect.

*

  
  
One of the disadvantages of being old, Buck had discovered, was that any little sound would wake him of a night. He'd slept through howling snowstorms as a youngster, now the slightest thing would disturb him. At first he'd thought it was the two of them making love. He told himself he should have known better to stay overnight. It had been awkward enough when they'd insisted that he take the bed while they slept on the floor...  
  
The quiet sounds weren't those of lovers, he soon recognised. He turned his head cautiously. The lamp had been left burning, on a low wick and he could see them dimly, each still in his own sleeping bag, with the wolf lying between them. Definitely not making love. The sounds were only coming from Benton's sleeping bag. Then Dief whined sharply and Ray woke.  
  
"Benny?" It was the merest whisper. Ray pushed himself up on one elbow and leaned over the wolf. "Benny, it's OK. Wake up."  
  
Benton's head lifted suddenly, then dropped back to its pillow. More quiet sounds, and a hand snaked out of the sleeping bag and twined itself in Dief's fur. Ray leaned still closer over the dark head. He spoke again, but this time his voice was so low that Buck couldn't hear what he was saying.   
  
Well, he didn't want to eavesdrop, but something about them wouldn't allow him to turn over and go back to sleep. He watched as Ray stayed there, for half an hour or more, speaking occasionally, more often silent. It was obvious that Benton was very distressed, the sounds were those a man might make if he was trying to suppress tears. Eventually, the hand that clutched so desperately at Dief's fur relaxed. With great care, Ray shifted the sleeping bag to cover Benton's exposed arm. He hadn't once touched his lover. He waited a few minutes longer, then lay down himself, throwing an arm across his face.  
  
Thoroughly disturbed now, Buck lay awake till morning.

*

  
  
The next morning he found himself watching the two men surreptitiously. What he'd thought last night was simply discretion, now took on another meaning altogether. They never touched. They rarely spoke to each other, though both of them spoke to him readily enough, about nothing important. They treated each other with the wariness of bomb disposal agents near a particularly volatile explosive.  
  
He suggested a walk. There was a small lake nearby, where they might just catch some fish. Ray, city boy that he was, screwed up his face in distaste, but Benton seemed interested. Half an hour later, they set out.  
  
He'd thought about it while he'd lain awake last night. If any questions were to be asked, Ray was the one to approach. Halfway to the lake, he feigned a stumble, and limped to a large rock to rest for a moment.  
  
"Benton, you go on ahead, son. You know the way. Ray can wait with me while I catch my breath." He caught Ray's suspicious look and blithely ignored it. "It's going to be a fine Summer this year. I can feel it in my bones."  
  
"Yeah, sure." Ray perched on the rock beside him.  
  
Buck looked over his shoulder. Benton was already out of earshot, with Dief gamboling alongside him. "Son, far be it from me to interfere, but..."  
  
"Why do people always say that when they're gonna interfere, huh, Buck? Can you tell me that, coz I'd really like to know."  
  
He ignored Ray's hostile tone. "I'm concerned about the boy, Ray. I'm concerned about you too."  
  
"Me? I'm OK." Ray seemed startled.  
  
Buck cleared his throat uncomfortably. Perhaps he'd let that ride for a moment. "When I brought you both here last Fall, I didn't think I'd see either of you alive, come Spring."  
  
"I didn't, either." Ray avoided his eyes.  
  
Buck nodded, accepting the unspoken admission. "How is he?"  
  
Ray shrugged. "What you see. It's gonna take a while. He hasn't been eating much, but these walks are helping."  
  
"No, I mean, how is he, in himself?" Buck waited as Ray's eyes dropped to the ground between his feet. "Ray?"  
  
"How do you  _think_  he is? You know what happened to him." The American's voice was suddenly rough.  
  
"Yes, you told me." He hesitated, but it had to be said. It was obvious that Ray wasn't going to volunteer anything. "It must be difficult for you. I notice that you don't, ah..."  
  
"I don't touch him." The words were flat, emotionless. "He doesn't like it."  
  
Buck's eyes never wavered, and after a while Ray lifted his head and looked straight at him.   
  
"It's not difficult."  
  
Buck frowned. "Excuse me?"  
  
"It's not difficult, OK?" Ray took a shaken breath. "Look, I  _found_  him. He was naked, and covered in bruises, his face was almost unrecognisable. He was  _bleeding_..." The long fingers clenched into a fist. "He'd been lying in his own blood, and shit, and piss, and vomit all  _night_. So, it's not  _difficult_ , all  _right_?"  
  
Buck sat in silence while Ray struggled with himself.   
  
After a moment Ray stood. "Let's go."  
  
Buck didn't budge. Ray sighed and sat down again. "What do you want from me?"  
  
He thought about it for a moment. "I want to know I did the right thing bringing you here. I want to know I'll be doing the right thing to go away and leave the two of you alone together."   
  
Ray rubbed his hands over his face. "Buck, I don't  _want_  to have sex with him. I'm not gonna go crazy and rape him. You don't need to worry about that."  
  
That was putting it a little more bluntly than Buck had expected. Well, he'd asked for it, he supposed. "Ray, he's your lover. Your... your husband, you said. Those... feelings... they're not just going to go away."  
  
"He's not my lover, Buck. You don't understand. Benny... my lover... he  _didn't_  make it through the Winter. This man, he's not my lover... my husband... I don't know  _what_  he is."  
  
"Ray..." Buck looked into the other man's eyes and was seriously disturbed by what he saw there.  
  
"No. I can't explain it. I love him. I'd do anything...  _anything..._  for him... but he's not the man I married. He's  _not_  the man I made love to."   
  
In the end, he had to accept it. Ray either wouldn't, or, as he'd said, simply  _couldn't_  explain himself any further. It was crazy, and more than a little sick, he suspected, but he felt sure he could entrust Benton's safety into Ray's hands. If only there was someone who could look after Ray...

*

  
  
Somehow, it came as no great surprise when Eric turned up less than a week later. Ray stood, hands on hips, and watched him walk towards the cabin. Ben was standing a little behind him, in the doorway.  
  
"Well, Benny? You up for more company?"  
  
There was a faint sigh from behind him. "I suppose so, Ray."  
  
He turned. Benny was looking more worn than ever. "I'll get rid of him, if you want. This place is getting like Grand Central Station."  
  
But Eric obviously had no intention of staying. He stood on the bottom step and called up to them. "The old man wants to see you."  
  
"No." Ray wasn't going to mince words. "He wants to see us, he can come here."  
  
"Ray." Ben came forward. "Hello Eric."  
  
Eric looked up at him impassively. "I've got the car waiting."  
  
"We're not going anywhere. You tell him that."  
  
Eric ignored Ray altogether and spoke to Ben. "He told me to come get you. Both of you."  
  
"Eric, I can't." There was an edge of panic in Ben's voice.  
  
"You don't have to see anyone else. Just the old man." Eric shifted impatiently. "Bring some stuff. You'll probably stay a few days."  
  
"Are you  _crazy_? We're not coming." Ray turned to go inside, but Ben remained where he was. "Come on, Benny."  
  
Ben looked at him with a mixture of fear and need. "Ray, I..."   
  
"What do you want, Benny? It's your choice." Even though he was scared stiff himself at the thought of it...  
  
Ben's eyes dropped. "I think we should go, Ray."

*

  
  
The ride was a nightmare. Just the constant noise of the engine was enough to frazzle Ben's nerves, and Ray's patent edginess didn't make it any easier. It was a three hour drive, and after ten minutes, Ben was simply relieved that he wouldn't be returning the same day. He'd grown up in country like this, but now the jolting ride made him feel ill. Since he was sharing the back seat with Dief, he wrapped his arm around the wolf and rested his head against Dief's shoulder.  
  
Incredibly, he fell asleep, and didn't wake until they slowed down at the entry to the village. Much to his relief, they drove straight through to the old shaman's house, and only he was there to greet them. Unusual, in a place where any new arrival, or returning friend, was greeted by a large contingent of elders and a crowd of noisy children.   
  
The old man looked them up and down and then ushered them inside. Eric was already climbing back into his four wheel drive. They dropped their packs inside the front door and went through into the lounge.   
  
"Tea? Cookies?"   
  
The dark eyes made him feel like a little boy again. He nodded silently. Ray managed a weak 'thank you', and the old man disappeared for a while.  
  
Ray scowled. "Dammit, what's he want with us? I wish he'd just get to the point."  
  
"I'm sure he only wants to help." It was unpleasant to think that even this old man knew what had happened to him. "He did help us before, remember."  
  
Ray stared at him with haunted eyes. "That was different, Benny."  
  
"Yes." He looked away. He hadn't really believed it was possible, anyway.  
  
The old man was soon back with the tea and cookies, and Ben nibbled at one, for the sake of politeness, and sipped the tea. Ray did the same, in spite of his belligerent attitude a moment before. If Ben hadn't been almost sick with nervous anticipation, that would have amused him. Even Ray wasn't immune to the aura of power the old man wore like a cloak.  
  
He was watching them both closely. Assessing them, Ben realised. He felt sick again. The wise eyes met his and he looked away. The old man's teacup clicked against the saucer and he straightened a little.  
  
"You should have come sooner. You need my help."  
  
"No!" Ben took a deep breath and started again. "I'll be... all right... I just need some time."  
  
"Leave him alone." Ray leaned forward menacingly.  
  
The old man smiled sadly. "You are both in need of help. I can help you."  
  
Ben knew what he meant. Visions, trances... whatever they were called... revealed the innermost spirit. The thought of revisiting the cause of his problems frankly terrified him.  
  
"Benton, you cannot hide from the thing you fear." The old man turned to Ray. "Neither can you, Ray. If you run, you will only grow weaker as it grows stronger."  
  
Ben shuddered. He couldn't do this. He couldn't.  
  
"Benton." It was a command, and he responded instinctively, meeting the old man's eyes. "Trust me this far. Take off your clothes."  
  
Ray's startled cry seemed to come from a distance. He looked down at his shaking hands, and began to unbutton his shirt.  
  
"Benny, no." Ray stood, towering over the smaller man, who was still seated. "Stop it."  
  
He simply smiled. "Trust me, Ray."  
  
Ben stripped, still in a daze. He hadn't been naked in front of another man since he'd got strong enough to wash and dress himself. He felt chilled, shaky... sick to his stomach. When he'd finished he remained standing, numb with shock. Ray... Ray was looking at him with tears in his eyes.  
  
The old man ignored him. He was looking at Ray instead. "Ray."  
  
Ray's head turned to him, his eyes widening. Then he, too, began to undress. Ben couldn't watch. He turned away, shivering in the warm air.  
  
"Look at each other." Another quiet command.   
  
He couldn't remember when he'd last seen Ray naked. Ray had always had a lean elegance that made Ben feel large and clumsy. Now he wouldn't have looked out of place in a concentration camp. From the look on Ray's face, he wasn't in any better shape. Ben looked down at himself reluctantly, and what he saw frightened him.  
  
"Are these the bodies of healthy men?"  
  
There was no need to answer the question. Through a roaring in his ears, Ben heard Ray's voice faintly.  
  
"What do you want us to do?"  
  
Ben sat, suddenly, as his legs gave way. He was shaking uncontrollably. Someone dropped a blanket around his shoulders and he clutched it like a lifeline. Someone helped him to stretch out on the couch and tucked the blanket around him more securely. He lay with his eyes closed and listened to the distant voices discussing him...

*

  
  
Ray paced up and down and scowled at Eric. He was damn sure that Eric was there just to keep an eye on him. Surely the half hour must be up by now? That was all the old man would allow them, he'd said. They were both too weak to be unaccompanied, so the old man had gone in the sweat lodge with Benny.   
  
Tomorrow it would be his turn. They could only do it every second day. He should have gone first. At least he would have known what Benny was facing now. God, he was in there, naked, with another naked man, after what he'd been through... Ray paced some more, and Eric watched him impassively.  
  
He was just about to demand to be let into the sweat lodge when Ben screamed. Ray hurled himself towards the rickety structure, ready to claw his way though the walls. Eric was faster.   
  
"Dammit, let me go! Benny!" Ray turned on his captor ferociously, but he was no match for the larger, and much stronger man.  
  
Eric held him pinned against the ground. "Cut it out, Ray. You could ruin everything, busting in there."  
  
Ray sobbed with frustration and fear. Another scream from the sweat lodge sent a shudder through him, then the old man called out. Eric was gone in an instant. Ray scrambled after him.  
  
The two of them were holding Ben as his body convulsed. His eyes were wide and staring as he flung back his head and screamed a third time. A moment later he was limp, completely unconscious.  
  
"Ohmigod!  _Ohmigod!!_  Give him to me!" Ray reached for his lover and the old man nodded and released Ben into his arms. Ray held the sweating body against his shoulder and sobbed into the damp hair. The feel of his breathing, irregular though it was, reassured Ray a little. "What are you  _doing_  to him?"  
  
The old man crouched beside him, laying a blanket across Ben's shoulders. "He remembered the rape. That's good, that he could do it so soon."  
  
"Good! You call this  _good_?" Ray's arms tightened protectively.  
  
"I never promised it would be easy, Ray." The old man stood and wrapped a towel around his hips. "We should take him back to the house. Benton will need to rest."  
  
Ray wanted to carry Ben himself, but he couldn't. It was disturbing to see how easily Eric lifted him, still wrapped in the blanket... Benny had always been larger and heavier than Eric. He wasn't any more.

*

  
  
This wasn't at all like the time he'd shared a sweat lodge with Patty. For one thing he hadn't been naked that time, though he wouldn't have minded if he had been... This wasn't working, and it was his third time. If it hadn't been for Benny, he would have given up. Benny was...  
  
"Ray!" The old man was getting impatient. "I know you don't believe, and I can assure you, you're going down the right path if you want to prove to yourself that this doesn't work. You need to decide which is more important, helping your lover, or proving that you're right."  
  
Ray winced. That was way too on the nose. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Opened them again. "All right. What do I have to do?"  
  
The wrinkled face turned towards him. "Let go."  
  
He blinked. "That's all?"  
  
"Yes. Look into the flames, and let go."  
  
He looked. They were just flames. "It's not worki..."  
  
He was in the hallway outside Benny's apartment. No. He didn't  _want_  to be there. He didn't want to find Benny like that again. But it was different this time. He stopped and looked around, but couldn't tell what the difference was. He didn't want to go on, but his feet refused to obey him. He was fighting every step...   
  
At the apartment door, he came to a halt. He'd raised his hand to knock, he remembered, last time. He raised it again, but didn't knock this time. There were noises coming from inside the apartment, loud, brutal, animal noises... Oh God, they were in there now, raping Benny.  
  
Time seemed to slow to a crawl as he pushed the door open. They were in there, five of them, gathered around Benny like vultures. One of them was on top of him... Ray screamed aloud, reaching for his gun. It wasn't there. He flung himself forward into the apartment. Dief was there too... unconscious, blood matting the fur on his head, just as he had been on the day Ray had walked into this nightmare.  
  
He screamed again and threw himself on the figure nearest him. He was thrown aside easily and the men started to laugh.  
  
"Why don't you join in the fun?" The man spoke in his voice, had  _his_  face.  
  
Ray struggled to get upright. " _No!_  You  _bastards!_  Leave him alone."  
  
They  _all_  had his face. They were facing him now, and he could see Benny, naked and bleeding behind them. His lover lifted his head and stared at him.  
  
" _You_  did this to me..."  
  
" _No!!_ "  
  
" _No!_ " Ray staggered to his feet and stumbled out of the sweat lodge. A few feet away he stopped and dropped to his knees, his stomach heaving. It felt like he was bringing up everything he'd eaten in the past month. When it was over, he barely had strength to move away before collapsing into a shivering heap on the grass.  
  
"Come, Ray." The old man's voice roused him a little.  
  
He sat up and accepted the blanket that Eric was holding out to him. He couldn't read either man's face, but he felt as though they could see every guilty secret he'd ever had. Eric helped him stand, and they began the walk back to the shaman's house, where Benny waited for him.  
  
Ray stopped dead. How could he face Benny after this?  
  
The old man turned back. "Ray, your vision was not the truth. You know it didn't happen like that."  
  
"What was it, then?" His voice was a weak croak. He didn't even think to ask how the old man had known what he'd seen.  
  
"It was a reflection of your fear." The wrinkled face broke into a gentle smile. "Don't be afraid. When you make love with Benton, he will not see you as a rapist, but as his lover."  
  
When. Such a small word to place all his future hopes on...

*

  
  
Ben was aware of the old man's gaze, but he was avoiding it. He stirred his spoon through the cereal listlessly, not wanting to eat, but not wanting the kind of fuss that resulted from his not eating. Ray was silent at his side.  
  
The old man cleared his throat and they both looked up. He smiled. "We will take a break today."  
  
"No sweat lodge?" Ray sounded incredulous. It wasn't even his turn, though sometimes Ben thought that it was  _more_  difficult for Ray, not less, when it was Ben's turn...  
  
"No sweat lodge. I have something I want you to do, and it will be better if you are both relaxed." The old man grinned.  
  
Ray looked like a child at Christmas. "What is it?"  
  
"I'll show you later.  _If_  you both eat your breakfast."  
  
Ben sighed.

*

  
  
They stood outside a small, familiar house, and Ben felt his heart sink.  
  
"Eric's house? This is your surprise?" Ray obviously wasn't impressed.  
  
The old man took the implied criticism calmly. "Come inside."  
  
Everything was the same as it had been the first night they'd made love. Ray seemed, at last, to sense his uneasiness. Ben intercepted a brooding look from the green eyes, then looked away.  
  
Their packs were there. By the bedroom door.  
  
Panic fluttered in his stomach and he quelled the urge to run. Beside him, Ray's sudden tension was palpable. The old man watched them calmly.  
  
"No." He could hardly speak above a whisper. "I can't..."  
  
The old man ignored both that and Ray's furious profanity. "You will stay here, until you are ready to leave. You will sleep in the bed, together, and you will not make love without my permission."  
  
They stared at each other, dumbfounded, as the door closed behind him.  
  
" _Damn_  him!" Ray stalked across the room and grabbed both their packs. "Let's get out of here, Benny. We can go back to the cabin. I'll go find Eric."  
  
He managed a shaken smile. "Somehow, I doubt it, Ray. I don't think he'll be here."  
  
"I'll find someone. Come on."  
  
"No." He wanted to run, as far and as fast as he could. "Ray, we need him."  
  
Ray sat on the couch and put his head into his hands. "All right. I'll sleep here, you can take the bed."  
  
It was  _so_  tempting... "Ray, we've trusted him this far. We have to trust him to the end or it will all have been for nothing. I don't think I could bear that."  
  
He sat beside Ray, staring down at the floor. The thought of what lay ahead terrified him. A light touch on his arm nearly made him jump out of his skin. He looked up into Ray's eyes. It was the first time Ray had touched him in months. The long fingers slid down his arm and twined with his own fingers.  
  
"Well, we got all day free. Whaddaya wanna do?"  
  
A whole day anticipating the night to come. It seemed like an eternity. Ben closed his fingers around Ray's. "I don't know if I can cope with waiting that long, Ray..."  
  
Ray's eyes widened. "You wanna go to bed  _now_?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
They'd slept in the same bed over the Winter, but then Dief had been with them. Since they'd been in the village, he'd spent most of his time elsewhere. They each lay as close to the edge as they could and tried not to seem too tense, not very successfully. At least the shaman hadn't stipulated that they sleep naked. They were both in the thermal underwear that had got them through the Winter. It seemed Ray hadn't anticipated their needing lighter weight underwear. Now Ben was glad of that.  
  
They lay without moving for what seemed like hours, then Ray sighed.   
  
"This is stupid, Benny. It ain't gonna solve anything."  
  
"No. I don't suppose this is what he had in mind." Ben looked across at Ray, remembering, suddenly that first night they'd spent together in this bed. A good memory, in spite of his fears now. He moved over a little.  
  
"Benny?" Ray whispered his name uncertainly.  
  
He swallowed painfully. "I think we should try... He did say we weren't to make love without permission."  
  
"OK. OK, we can do that... do what, Benny? What  _are_  we supposed to do?"  
  
"Well, we could... ah..." His mind went blank, and then he had a sudden inspiration. "We could cuddle, Ray."  
  
"Cuddle?" Ray was smiling at him, that tender, teasing little smile that always made him feel... loved. "OK, let's cuddle."  
  
A long, thin arm reached out and he settled into its loose embrace.

*

  
  
Now that they were living in Eric's house, inevitably, they came into more contact with the other inhabitants of the village. They went to the communal laundry to wash their clothes and bedding, and since they hadn't brought many clothes with them, they went fairly often. As much as possible, they kept to themselves, and the adults respected that. They'd smile and nod genially as they passed, but rarely spoke beyond a friendly greeting. The children were another matter. Mostly, they were fine, but Ray always stayed close to Ben. Sometimes he was aware that Ben was irritated by his hovering, but he wasn't going to take any chances.   
  
The days fell into a routine, the nights... well, they got used to sleeping in the same bed. It seemed like every little change took an incredible effort to adjust to... this, at least, was a rewarding adjustment. They never talked much about what happened during their sessions in the sweat lodge, and once Ray had asked the old man whether they should. The reply had been to allow Ben to make his own decisions as far as that was concerned. Ray had sighed with relief and had dropped the occasional comment, but drawn no particular response.  
  
And sometimes, still, Ben had nightmares. But Ray suspected he'd have them for the rest of his life. All he could do was hold his lover until they passed and Ben could sleep again. At least the body that lay beside his every night now had a substantiality about it that had been missing for a long time. It was something to be grateful for, on nights like this when Ray lay awake for hours, unable to sleep.  
  
The faintest stirring beside him brought all his senses to full alert, his heart thumping unpleasantly, but it wasn't a nightmare. The dark head lifted and Ben blinked sleepily at him.  
  
He couldn't help it. A silly, tender smile spread across his face. After the ordeal of the last Winter, even this was an source of incredible satisfaction... to be able to lie beside his lover, and touch his face. To stroke back the hair that was long enough to be just a little unruly...  
  
"Is something wrong, Ray?"  
  
He shook his head. "No. I just couldn't sleep, is all." He reached out and Ben slid against his side, and rested his head on Ray's shoulder with no more invitation than that.  
  
They lay drowsily for some time, not bothering to talk and Ray felt his eyelids starting to droop. Beside him Ben's breathing was slow and steady. Ben's arm, around his waist, grew heavier. The soft Canadian voice muttered something, but Ray ignored it.  
  
Suddenly he was awake again, with a vengeance, as Ben's hand slid over his chest in an unmistakable caress. Ray held his breath.  
  
"Benny?" He caught the wandering hand in a gentle grip. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Mmn?" As he'd suspected, Ben was half asleep.  
  
Ray sighed. "It's OK. Go back to sleep."  
  
"Ray?" Ben's head shifted against his shoulder. He drew his hand free and began to play with Ray's long fingers. "Ray, do you think...?"  
  
"What?" His voice was a little sharp and Ben fell into a hurt silence. "I'm sorry, Benny. What do you want?"  
  
"I just..." Ben turned his face into the base of Ray's throat. "I just thought..." His fingers began to stray over Ray's chest. He was trembling.   
  
Ray groaned softly. "You know we can't. Not without permission." He couldn't believe he was saying that, but he wouldn't do anything to wreck what they'd achieved. Besides, he wasn't at all sure that either of them was ready for this.  
  
Ben gasped and his hand stilled. "Oh! I didn't..."  
  
Shit! Ray forced a weak chuckle. "Getting ahead of things was I, Benny?"  
  
"A little." Ben's voice was uncertain.  
  
"Well, you know me, Benny..." He hugged the trembling figure slightly. "So what did you want? Or have I put you off it now?"  
  
"No..." He didn't sound very sure. "I just wanted to... to touch you, Ray..."  
  
Ray could feel his eyes widening. "Well, you go right ahead, Benny. You do whatever you want. I'll just..." he gulped. "I'll just lie here, OK?"  
  
He didn't really have any idea what might happen, possibly nothing now... But after a brief hesitation Ben began to stroke his chest lightly, exploring the contours of muscle and bone in a way that was almost completely asexual. Almost. He was too afraid even to twitch. He could feel Ben's breath, warm through the thin cloth of his long johns, and then fingers fumbled with the buttons.   
  
Ray bit his lip hard. He hadn't expected that. Hell, he hadn't expected  _any_  of this. Fingertips brushed lightly against his skin and played with his chest hair. Benny had always liked that.  
  
"Ray? Ray, can I...?" All movement stopped.  
  
He kissed the top of Ben's head. "You can do anything, Benny. You know that."  
  
The fumbling at his buttons started again, and Ray closed his eyes and prayed, rather hysterically, for strength. It looked like his prayers were going to be answered. The unbuttoning stopped, and Ben raised his head slightly. Ray met his eyes as best he could in the darkness and then Ben looked down at his chest. The front of his long johns was carefully peeled back and Ben subsided again, his cheek now resting on Ray's bare shoulder.   
  
Ray loosed a sigh of relief. "That feels nice, Benny."  
  
"Yes. Very nice." An arm slid around his waist again.

*

  
  
Ray hitched the blanket around his shoulders and trudged on up the slight incline back to Eric's house. Some days the sessions in the sweat lodge were just plain backbreaking... today he felt like he'd been beaten all over with a baseball bat. Benny was waiting for him at the door, and Ray saw the anxiety settle on his lover's face as he came closer.  
  
"Bad day today?"  
  
"Yeah." Ray brushed past him. "I'm gonna lie down for a while, Benny."  
  
But first a shower to wash off the sweat... He turned the thermostat up high and leaned tiredly against the shower wall, feeling the hot water pounding against his back. The quiet rattling of the shower curtain was his only warning, and then Benny was with him. Ray lifted his head and blinked in shock.  
  
"Benny..."  
  
Ben reached for the soap. "Relax, Ray. Let me help you."  
  
He leaned his head against the wall again, his mind racing. Just being naked together, here, was scary. He didn't know how his body was going to react, and what he, or Benny, would do about it... A soapy cloth began to glide over his back, and Ray groaned softly.  
  
"God, that feels great, Benny."  
  
"Good."   
  
Ben was standing beside him, not touching except with his hand. Ray relaxed into it, turned when Ben instructed him to, and was unbelievably relieved to discover that he didn't have an erection. He was washed, even his genitals, with a gentle efficiency and then left to rinse.   
  
"I'll go heat you some soup. Go to bed."   
  
A brief peck on the cheek, the rattle of the shower curtain and then he was alone, wondering if it had all been some kind of crazy dream. But there was a wet towel hanging to dry when he finally dragged himself out of the shower. Haphazardly, he dried himself off and stumbled through to the bedroom.  
  
Ray guessed he must have fallen asleep immediately, because all of a sudden he was lying in bed, drowsily contemplating the bedroom wall and vaguely aware that his cheek was resting against something firm, yet soft... warm and silky... and moving slightly. Benny's chest. Benny's  _bare_  chest, and, from what he could tell without moving, Benny's bare body...  
  
He lifted his head cautiously and met Ben's nervous smile. God, he must have slept for hours, by the way he felt...  
  
"So, I guess the soup's cold?"  
  
The smile widened a little. "I could heat it up for you."  
  
Before he could protest, Ben had slipped free of him and was sitting on the edge of the bed, reaching for his jeans. Bare. Definitely bare... Ray swallowed hard and looked away. He was starting to appreciate the old man's prohibition on making love without permission. If it hadn't been for that, he was sure he and Benny would have tried it by now, simply because they were both so afraid. It would have been a disaster. This way the pressure was off them both, and it was working. He'd never thought he'd be  _this_  glad that Benny was a stickler for obeying orders.  
  
Ben was back in a few minutes with a bowl of soup. He perched on the edge of the bed and watched as Ray drank his soup, then took it back to the kitchen. Ray was starting to get the feeling there was something going on. When Ben came back, shucked his jeans and slid into the bed beside him, Ray was sure of it. There was no pushing him though, so Ray simply slid down under the covers and waited.  
  
Before long Ben was lying in his arms, his head on Ray's shoulder, his fingers playing with his favourite toy... Ray's chest hair. Well, he could put up with this for a while... he stroked Ben's hair and waited.  
  
"Ray...?"  
  
Ray smiled. "Yeah, Benny?"  
  
There was a long pause. Long enough for Ray's smile to change to a frown.  
  
"I just... I thought..." He didn't sound very happy.  
  
Ray's arm tightened around his lover. "What is it, Benny?" He kept his voice gentle, and felt a faint tremor run through Ben's body.  
  
"I... I wanted to..." Ben took in a shaken breath. "I think I should tell you..."  
  
"Tell me what?"  
  
Tears dropped, scalding, on his skin. "...about the night I was raped..."  
  
It felt as though his heart might actually just stop beating. "Benny, are you sure you want to do this? The old man's not pushing you into it, is he?"  
  
Ben's head moved against his shoulder in a negative. "He told me, right back at the beginning... that I should tell you when I was ready."  
  
"And you feel ready now?" Ray wished  _he_  felt ready to hear it.  
  
There was a quiet sob. "I... I don't know if I'll ever... Ray, I think I should... I think I  _need_  to..."  
  
"OK." He had both arms wrapped around Ben now. He closed his eyes, but that didn't stop the tears running out the corners. "Tell me, Benny."

*

  
  
It was late morning of the next day before Ray stomped down the path to the shaman's house. The door quietly opened just as he got there. Probably the old man had been looking out the window, or something, but he had this way of making it seem as though he'd expected the visit. It annoyed the hell out of Ray.  
  
"Benny's not coming today."   
  
Ray glared at the old man and dared him to comment on his appearance. He knew he looked like shit. He'd had to use the mirror to shave, and he'd really regretted it. The old man's eyes wandered over his face, no doubt taking in his swollen and reddened eyelids, his bloodshot eyes. It seemed like he was seeing an awful lot more as well. Suddenly the state of his eyes didn't seem quite so important to Ray.  
  
The old man nodded. "If he's not feeling well, he should rest."  
  
If he'd made any attempt to weasel information out of him, Ray would have resisted. Paradoxically, Ray now felt the need to unburden himself.   
  
"He told me what happened." Ray eyed the old man suspiciously.  
  
He took the news calmly. "That is good. I hoped he would, some day. But it is not a pleasant thing to know."  
  
"No kidding." Ray's voice was sour. They'd hardly slept, and it seemed like there wasn't a moment in the whole night when either one or the other of them, sometimes both, hadn't been crying...   
  
The old man stepped aside and gestured with his arm. "Come inside, Ray. I think you need to talk."  
  
He wanted to. God, he  _needed_  to talk to somebody. "I don't know. I'd better get back to Benny."  
  
"He will be sleeping for a while longer. Come in."  
  
He couldn't possibly know that. Except that Ray had never caught the old man out yet... even though he refused to believe that this hocus-pocus act was for real. He ignored the old man's knowing smile and went inside.

*

  
  
"What are you afraid of Benton?" The old man looked at him directly  
  
Ben laughed unhappily. There were so  _many_  things he was afraid of, he didn't know where to start. He thought about that for a moment until one thing leapt out at him.  
  
"I'm afraid... afraid of failing Ray..." His fingers twisted in the corner of the blanket which lay across his lap. The last few sessions hadn't gone very well and he'd been expecting this. Dreading it, actually. He and Ray were going to make love. At the beginning, he hadn't even considered that as a remote possibility, but now things had changed. Now, he knew it would happen... eventually. Possibly quite soon. He couldn't even begin to imagine what that would be like...  
  
The old voice interrupted his thoughts. "In what way?"  
  
He frowned, blinking furiously. "That I won't be able... that when he makes love to me, I'll... panic..." His voice had dropped to a whisper and he swallowed. "I don't want to hurt him like that."  
  
The old man studied him carefully. "Are you afraid of Ray, Benton?"  
  
"No!"  
  
A faint smile acknowledged his vehemence. "Then are you afraid of sex? Or that he might hurt you?"  
  
Ben shook his head, not really sure exactly what he was afraid of.  
  
"Do you trust Ray?" The quiet voice was insistent.  
  
Ben looked up then, startled. "Of course. With my life."  
  
"And with your body?"  
  
He knew, suddenly, what the answer was. "It's not Ray. It's myself I don't trust."  
  
"Yourself?" The old man smiled. "You think that you might panic for no reason? That this... panic... will hurt Ray?" He shook his head slightly. "Benton, Ray is far more afraid of that than even you are. Perhaps you  _will_  panic, but Ray will understand. He is prepared for it. He is prepared to guide you through that panic, if it comes. Trust yourself to him."  
  
It hadn't occurred to Ben that Ray would be afraid. Or that Ray would expect to have to deal with Ben's fear as well as his own. Ben felt his eyes filling up with tears. He looked up again at the shaman.  
  
"I'm sorry. I should have known... Perhaps we could..."  
  
The old man leaned forward and patted his knee lightly. "No more today. Rest. Tomorrow will be soon enough."  
  
"But tomorrow..." Tomorrow it would be Ray's turn.   
  
"Tomorrow you will journey together."  
  
His heart started to pound. Ben nodded speechlessly.

*

  
  
Ray looked at his lover in the light of the small fire and grinned nervously. "So, what do we do, Benny?"  
  
"Well..." Ben looked away for a moment. "It's not really very different."   
  
He held his hand out across the small space between them and Ray took it without hesitation. Ben closed his eyes, and, taking a deep breath, Ray did likewise.  
  
It was getting easier. Ray was immediately aware of the change. He looked around at the slowly undulating landscape, unlike anything around the village and then at Benny beside him. They were both still naked, he saw, but here it didn't matter anyway.  
  
"Where are we Benny?"  
  
His lover smiled. He was... different. More sure of himself, perhaps. "This is... it's hard to explain. The shaman helped me build it. It's a safe place for me to be."  
  
"OK. So what do we do?"  
  
"Come with me."   
  
They walked, their hands still joined, towards what seemed like a hazy cloud on the horizon. It felt like they'd walked for hours, but time meant nothing here. Ray had learned that long ago. His feet began to ache, and then to really hurt. It felt like shards of glass were being driven into them at each step. When he finally looked down, he saw they were actually bleeding. So were Benny's.  
  
"Benny, are you sure about this? Is it always like this?" It didn't seem such a safe place to Ray.  
  
Ben bit his lip slightly. "This hasn't happened before, but I'm sure there's a reason. We're nearly there Ray. Look."  
  
The cloud was now a rock face, looming far over their heads. When they finally got closer, Ray wondered what it was meant to be. It was far too smooth to be able to climb... apart from a few corrugations, it was completely featureless. He looked at Ben.  
  
"Here, Ray." With a little smile, Ben walked forward a few steps, then turned and immediately disappeared.  
  
"Benny? Shit! Benny!"  
  
Ben reappeared, still smiling. "Look, Ray. Come here."  
  
He took hold of Ray's hand and led him over to the spot where he'd vanished. There was a fold in the rock masking a narrow passageway. If you didn't know it was there, you'd never find it. Three steps into the passage it opened out into a small cave.  
  
It was beautiful. Not dark at all... light seemed to emanate from the walls. Ray stood in the centre and turned, looking up at the roof a few feet above their heads. Tiny points of brighter light sparkled amongst the luminescence.   
  
"God, it's beautiful, Benny." He looked down at his feet and saw that there was no sign of blood now. He grinned shakily. "I guess it works."  
  
"Yes, Ray." Ben's voice was completely changed.   
  
Suddenly, he was the lover that Ray had known before that one horrible night had ripped them apart. Ray stared at him speechlessly.  
  
Only one step separated them, but Ray was incapable of taking it. Ben took the step. They were face to face, Ben's eyes searching his. Slowly, Ben lifted a hand to touch his shoulder, let it drift down his chest, his side, to rest on his hip. A lover's touch. Ray trembled helplessly. Ben's other hand touched his cheek, caressing. Ben's parted lips drew closer, and touched his own with exquisite care.  
  
Ray moaned softly when the kiss ended, leaning against the solidity of Ben's chest. That was another thing, he suddenly realised. Here, their bodies were the way they used to be. In the real world, although they were both a lot healthier than they had been, Ben was still too thin, and so was he. They kissed again, with the sweet tentativeness of new lovers, learning each other's tastes and textures anew.  
  
The hand resting on Ray's hip drew them closer together and Ray broke off the kiss, his eyes widening in alarm.   
  
"Benny, we can't... the old man..."  
  
Ben smiled. "That doesn't apply in the spirit world. We're free here, Ray. There are no barriers. There's nothing to fear."  
  
"Oh." Ray's heart thudded painfully against his ribs.   
  
Ben's dark head dipped to nuzzle at his throat. "I want to make love to you Ray."  
  
Maybe Benny felt no fear. Ray wasn't so sure about himself... but if  _Benny_  could be so... so calm, so sure of himself, then maybe  _he_  could be like that too. Ray drew in a deep breath and let it slowly out. Like a weight lifting, he felt the memories dissipate. Nothing outside this place seemed real anymore. He slid his arms around Ben's waist and began to run his hands over the firm muscle and smooth skin.  
  
Ben sighed and pressed closer, his mouth opening against Ray's. His touch was gentle, elusive... Ray's body came alive under the capable hands. Intensely, achingly alive. Unconsciously, he swayed, his cock brushing against Ben's thigh, and they both moaned. Ben flashed him a little grin and pressed closer. Before he knew it, Ray's hands were cupped over the rounded buttocks pulling Ben sharply against him. Their hips moved together, as if they were dancing. Maybe they were.  
  
With difficulty, Ray detached his mouth from Ben's and began to explore the contours of his face, the softly fluttering pulse beneath his jaw. Ben's hands were roaming over Ray's body, hesitating, teasingly, here and there... sliding over his buttocks, his fingers running lightly up the cleft between them.  
  
"Oh God, Benny, I want you so bad."  
  
Ben dipped slightly to suckle briefly at a fiercely throbbing nipple. "How do you want me, Ray?" His voice was just a husky murmur, as he slid back up the length of Ray's body.  
  
"Ohmigod, that could be lethal, if I had a weak heart." Ray laughed shakily before he was silenced again.  
  
"How, Ray?" Ben tongued his earlobe, then nibbled it provocatively.  
  
He pulled Ben's head down again, to his other nipple. "Any way I can get you... oh,  _yes_!" A hand crept up between his thighs, stroking lightly over his balls then moving in a firm swift caress along the length of his shaft. "God, Benny..."  
  
There was a satisfied expression in the single blue eye that was turned up to him. The pink, prehensile tongue was dragged back and forth across his nipple in time with the leisurely pumping of his cock. Ray shuddered and let his head fall back slightly as he struggled for breath. He swayed again, off balance, and Ben's arms came around him and guided him down to the floor of the cave. He lay in the soft sand and stared up at the almost translucent ceiling.  
  
Ben was all over him, kissing, caressing, sucking. His body had never been so comprehensively explored before and it left him feeling so dazed with pleasure, he hardly knew how to respond. His hands moved randomly over Ben's body, which was never still anyway, touching and caressing wherever he could reach. Finally, he pulled Ben down beside him and began to return his caresses, stroke for stroke, along the eager flesh of his lover.   
  
They were both beside themselves with the need to unite. Incoherent with desire, they murmured endearments and exchanged kisses, too overcome to be able to settle into a steady rhythm of lovemaking. A sob was torn from Ray as Ben's hot mouth closed around his cock and sucked urgently. He arched his back, thrusting blindly upwards, instinctively seeking a release that his mind was not yet ready for.   
  
Neither, it seemed, was Ben. Ray's cock was released and graced with a tender, reluctant kiss, and his legs were folded back across his body as his lover delved ever deeper. He shuddered, helpless, aching, longing for his lover to be a part of him.  
  
Finally, it began to seem as though it would happen. Ben knelt between Ray's parted thighs, his cock lifting eagerly, the foreskin drawn back from the wet, deeply flushed cockhead. Ray thought he'd never seen a more beautiful sight, unless it was Benny's face, gleaming with sweat while damp tendrils of hair clung to his forehead and cheeks. The blue eyes were intent on his, and Ray joined his gaze to his lover's. There was no need to speak.  
  
Ben looked away at last, glancing down at his body, taking his cock in hand to guide it into Ray. A brief moment of uncertainty as Ben slid home, and then Ray cried out his welcome, his voice breaking. Ben leaned forward, his body arcing over Ray's and they began to move again.   
  
It was incredible, this feeling of being joined. Even though he'd experienced it again and again with Benny, it had never felt like this before... as though not just their bodies, but their souls too, were bonded together. It was at once comfortably routine and nerve shatteringly unfamiliar. Ray wrapped himself around his lover in every way conceivable and began to ride him in earnest.  
  
The response was immediate, from the suddenly heightened breathing, to the smoothly controlled thrusting of Ben's hips, plunging ever deeper within him. Beyond speech, Ben pressed his face into the hollow of Ray's shoulder and shuddered like a highly strung stallion as tiny tremors passed through the long muscles of his back.   
  
Ray's encouragement became ever more incoherent until they both hung, poised on the brink. Then he felt the hot flood in the depths of his body and surrendered to it jubilantly, as Ben sobbed against his chest. His own climax was still building... A moment later he, too, was caught up in the turbulence as he succumbed to the wild outpouring of his seed. The body in his arms trembled and slumped exhaustedly against him with a little moan, drawing him back. Benny's lips were the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted.  
  
Their hands were still joined. Ray's fingers tightened suddenly as he surfaced. He was shaking with the emotional impact of their journey, unsure whether the vision had been his alone, or shared with Ben. One look at the flushed and joyful face was all the answer he needed, but even then he could hardly believe it.  
  
"Benny, did you... did we...?" He was afraid to say it aloud.  
  
Ben's eyes regarded him rather dazedly. "Yes, Ray. We did."  
  
He took a deep, shaken breath. Oh God... He suddenly became aware that he was aroused, and so was Benny. He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again, somewhat guiltily, it was to see a tender smile on his lover's face.  
  
"I think we've achieved enough for one session, don't you?" The smile grew mischievous.  
  
Ray nodded hurriedly. "Uh, yeah. I guess."  
  
He followed Ben out of the sweat lodge and emerged into a warm, sweaty embrace. Without even thinking about it, he responded, then caution asserted itself and he drew back.  
  
"Oh, Ray..." The longing in Ben's voice was heartbreaking, a reminder that in this world, there were still barriers between them. Ben's hands came up to cup his cheeks and they kissed for the first time in more than eight months.  
  
He was shivering, and not just from the cooler air outside the sweat lodge. Ben stooped to pick up the blankets, folded ready for them by the opening of the sweat lodge. They wrapped themselves in the slightly prickly cloth and moved together again, almost unconsciously. Ben's arm slid under Ray's blanket and they leaned together and kissed again, then just stood, their cheeks brushing lightly against each other's.  
  
Ray shifted reluctantly. "I suppose we better get going."  
  
"Why? Is there anything you need to do?" Ben smiled teasingly.  
  
Ray shook his head wordlessly.   
  
"Then come with me." Ben turned and led the way towards a small grove of stunted trees.  
  
He could no more have chosen not to go, than he could have chosen not to breathe. Still, he was shaking with nerves when they got to the spot Ben had picked out. A little hollow in the ground, partially shaded by the trees, where the air seemed to be warmer and completely still. Ben let the blanket slide from his shoulders and laid it on the ground, reaching absentmindedly for Ray's. Ray surrendered it and it too was laid down. Ben turned to him, lifting a hand to take Ray's.  
  
"Let's lie down for a while, shall we?"  
  
They settled into the nest of blankets and snuggled together. Ray wasn't really sure what was going to happen, but nothing did. Within moments Ben was fast asleep in his arms. He sighed, part disappointment, part relief, and closed his eyes.

*

  
  
When the two men didn't reappear, the old shaman thought about it for a while and then decided to go after them. Not that he was in any doubt about what had happened... their lovemaking had shaken the spirit world. He chuckled at the memory of it, enough to warm even an old man's blood. But he'd ceased to be surprised by anything this pair did, he'd rarely seen a couple so destined for each other as these two. The first time he'd met Ray, he'd known immediately what it was that Benton had been missing.  
  
The sweat lodge was empty, and their clothes still by the entry, Benton's neatly folded, Ray's in an untidy pile. He gathered them up and continued walking. It wasn't hard to find them, asleep in a small hollow, in a nest of blankets. He watched them for a moment, satisfied with what he saw. They certainly were a lot healthier than when they'd arrived, and were lying relaxed in each other's arms.   
  
He gave a brief nod of satisfaction and turned to the white figure which had materialised beside him a moment ago.  
  
"So, you've been keeping a watch over them too?"  
  
The wolf gave a soft whuff of agreement.  
  
"Yes, they're nearly ready... then they'll be leaving. You'll have to choose between staying with your lady friend and going back to the city."  
  
He smiled at Dief's whine, knowing the wolf would never leave Benton's side. That young man had too much of the spirit of Amaroq in him, for the wolf to ever abandon him. He stood and stretched, easing the stiffness of his muscles.  
  
"You watch over them, little brother. I have a party to organise." 

*

  
  
Ray stirred against him, making his heart beat a little faster. Ben waited, with a mixture of desire and panic, for Ray to waken. His lips were still sensitive from last night... they hadn't made love, but they had certainly reacquainted themselves which each other's bodies... they'd kissed until their lips were sore, and they were completely exhausted.  
  
The green eyes opened and stared hazily at him, then crinkled at the corners. Ben leaned forward and kissed his lover. It was returned with enthusiasm. Perhaps a little too much enthusiasm... the euphoria of yesterday's spirit journey had worn off. Certainly, Ben felt much more comfortable with the idea of making love with Ray, but there were still doubts lurking in his mind. Perhaps there always would be, until they'd actually done it.  
  
Ray was quick to sense his discomfort and draw back. Those beautiful eyes scanned his face and he smiled reassuringly. Then Ray was turning away, swinging his legs out of the bed.  
  
"Breakfast, Benny?" He looked back over his shoulder enquiringly.  
  
A wide smile split his face. "That sounds wonderful." 

*

  
  
All day, Ben had the feeling that something was building... it had started when the old shaman had told them to take a break, that he'd be too busy to guide either of them. They went for a long, slow walk, and Dief joined them for most of the way, then slipped off while neither of them was looking. It was quite wonderful just to hold hands occasionally. Or to stop by a stream for a drink, and then end up lying in the long grass and kissing gently, the world around them quite forgotten. He'd even fallen asleep and woken to find Ray sitting beside him, tossing pebbles into the tiny pool only a few feet away.  
  
After a moment, Ray turned his head and smiled. "Sleepy head."  
  
"Yes, Ray." Ben yawned unrepentantly. He sat up, and stretched. By the angle of the sun it was late afternoon. "I think we should be turning back."  
  
"In a minute." Ray slid an arm around his neck and drew him close.  
  
It was quite considerably more than a minute before they resumed their walk, but Ben wasn't complaining. Ray's arm still lay across his shoulders and he leaned into it as they walked, sliding his own arm around Ray's waist. It really had been quite an idyllic day.  
  
As they neared the village, it became apparent that something was happening. A huge bonfire was sitting, ready to be lit and cooking pits wafted the scent of roasting meat towards them. They stopped and watched people bustling about making preparations.  
  
"You know anything about this, Benny?" Ray cocked an eyebrow at him.  
  
He shook his head speechlessly.  
  
Ray sighed. "I guess we'll find out soon enough."

*

  
  
This late in Spring it never got really dark, but it was dark enough to make the bonfire look pretty spectacular. Ray relaxed back against a convenient boulder and watched the dancing. He remembered the last time he'd done this. He and Benny had made love for the first time that night. His heart beat faster, just at the thought of it.  
  
It had worried him at first, that all these people were gathered together, and that Benny was right in the middle of it. He'd been wasting his energy... Benny was enjoying himself. He'd even tried to get Ray to join in the dancing. But Ray was definitely a Disco man... maybe a Waltz or a Tango, but this kind of stuff was way out of his range. Besides it was more fun to watch Benny, moving like a pale shadow among the Tshimshian dancers.  
  
The dance broke up and Ben came over, flushed and laughing at something someone had said to him. Instead of sitting, he held out his hand and pulled Ray to his feet. They walked into the shadowy outskirts of the trees, still holding hands, until Ben led him under the shelter of the canopy and pressed him up against the hard bark. The laughter was gone, now, from his dimly seen face. He traced the outline of Ray's lips with a careful fingertip and followed it up with a gentle kiss.  
  
Ray wrapped his arms around his lover's waist and drew him closer. They kissed slowly, just light caresses, until Ben's lips parted and Ray was able to explore the treasures of that wonderful mouth. They had to pause occasionally to catch their breath, but never for very long. Ray's body began to ache, sweetly, but really, he told himself, he was satisfied just with this.  
  
The sound of the other partygoers was little more than a distant murmur, apart from the occasional cheer or burst of laughter. It was as if the world began and ended with their bodies. Ray ran his hands lightly over Ben's back and felt, rather than heard, a soft moan against his lips. How long they might have stayed there, Ray had no idea, but suddenly there was a soft coughing sound.  
  
"So there you are. I've been looking all over for you."  
  
Ben was leaning against him, breathing fast. Ray focused his eyes with difficulty on the shadowy figure.  
  
"Eric, can't ya see we're busy?"  
  
A white grin appeared in the dimness that was Eric's face. "I can see. The old man wants you. Both of you."  
  
Oh great! Well, there was no question of just disobeying the summons. Ray had been here long enough to know that when the old man said to do something, it got done.  
  
They followed Eric through the small crowd of villagers to where the old man was sitting, in a big old wooden chair that looked like it belonged in a church or something. Ray endured the old man's scrutiny and breathed a quiet sigh of relief when it was turned on Ben. At times like this, he felt that the old man really  _could_  see into his soul.  
  
The old man nodded thoughtfully. "Good. You are ready."  
  
Beside him Ben stiffened and, instinctively, Ray reached for his hand and grasped it tightly. "Ready for what?"  
  
The old man grinned. "You have my permission."  
  
Ray blinked. Through a roaring in his ears he heard Ben say his name enquiringly.  
  
"Permission?" It sounded more like a croak than a word.  
  
Ben was holding both his hands now, looking rather pale. "To make love, Ray."  
  
"Are you sure?" Ray wasn't even sure who he was asking, but the old man didn't answer.   
  
Ben smiled at him nervously. "There's only one way to find out, Ray."

*

  
  
All the way back to Eric's house, Ben was fighting the urge to run away and hide. It was only the fact that he wanted this just as desperately as he feared it that stopped him from actually bolting. Beside him, Ray was a quivering bundle of tension. They didn't need to touch for him to feel it.  
  
But once they were inside the house, it didn't seem quite such a daunting idea. Perhaps it was the memory of that first night they'd spent together. The old man had very neatly recreated the same circumstances, and somehow, it helped. He pressed into Ray's arms and kissed him deeply, taking up where they'd left off under the trees.  
  
Ray pulled back, uncertainly. "We don't have to do this now, Benny. He didn't say we had to do it straight away."  
  
"I know." He nuzzled the sensitive skin at the base of Ray's throat. "But, if you think I want to wait, and then have to make up my own mind to do it... well, you're very mistaken Ray Vecchio."  
  
A nervous spurt of laughter acknowledged the commonsense of this, and he continued with his necking. They were both comfortable with this, after all, and it was only a small step... Ben deliberately called up the memories of their vision and the way they'd made love in the sanctuary there. Perhaps, if he could only recreate that sanctuary, here in the real world, then it would be possible to do this.  
  
His tension eased a little, and he began to unbutton Ray's shirt, then his longjohns, sliding his hand over warm bare skin. They'd done this before too, he told himself. Deliberately, he brought up the memories of those tentative explorations which had led to them sleeping naked together. None of this was new to them. Only the destination had changed, and for now, he could push that to the back of his mind. His fingers brushed against a nipple and Ray shivered.  
  
Ray was passive in his arms, responding to his kisses, and holding him loosely, but otherwise allowing him to do whatever he wished. Ben smiled against Ray's lips and dipped his head to suck at the tight nipple, enjoying the soft moan this provoked. When they'd first become lovers, he'd been totally fixated on Ray's nipples, somewhat to Ray's dismay. He sucked again, gently, and stroked the other one with his fingertips. Ray moaned again and began to run his fingers lightly through Ben's hair.  
  
He could have continued with this indefinitely, but there was no point in putting the next step off. He turned his face up to Ray's.  
  
"Let's go to bed, Ray."  
  
Ray swallowed and nodded, and he took his lover's long-fingered hand and led him towards the bedroom.   
  
When he sat on the bed, his head was just at the right height... Ben succumbed to temptation and pushed the open shirt off Ray's shoulders, and then the longjohns, leaving him bare to the waist. Then he set to kissing and sucking again. It was even better now, though... now that he could let his hands roam all over Ray's chest and back and arms. Ray's sighs and moans were reward enough, but he was pleased to feel Ray fumbling with his own shirt buttons, and the caress of those long fingers against his skin.  
  
Ray's fingers traveled over his shoulder, and down the pectoral muscles to tease gently at a nipple. It sent a delicious tingle through his body, and for the first time, he felt himself becoming truly aroused. He wasn't the only one. Greatly daring, Ben pressed his hand lightly to the front of Ray's jeans and felt a corresponding swelling there. He shivered, half afraid, half delighted. Take it slowly... he trailed kisses down the length of Ray's beautifully furry torso, his tongue teasing amongst the slightly coarse hairs, until he reached the waistband of Ray's jeans.  
  
"Benny..." It was part entreaty, part protest.  
  
He looked up at Ray. "It's all right, love. I want to do it."  
  
It was true, even if it was a lie, too... he  _needed_  to do this. His eyes dropped, he was simply too nervous to do this just by touch. Carefully, he loosed the stud and drew down the zipper. The outline of Ray's cock, swollen and half unfurled beneath the red cloth, made his mouth grow dry. His fingers trembling noticeably, Ben unbuttoned just far enough and slid jeans and underwear together off Ray's hips.   
  
This wasn't like being naked with Ray. Slowly undressing him was an act of eroticism all on its own. They were both breathing hard as Ben touched his fingers lightly to the dark, swelling cock. He buried his face against the silky smooth skin of Ray's belly and felt, rather than heard Ray's soft moan. Ray wasn't completely erect, and Ben was glad of it. Somehow, the vulnerability of that half-hearted erection was easier to deal with.   
  
He turned his head slightly to look, resting his cheek against Ray's bony hip. His fingers instinctively cradled the heated flesh, stroking lightly and after a moment Ben drew it to his lips and kissed the velvet surface gently. Ray's musky scent deepened slightly and Ben heard his quick intake of breath. He closed his eyes and rubbed his cheek against the hardening shaft.   
  
Soon his uncertainty faded. The taste and scent of Ray's body was so achingly familiar that he couldn't help but remember all the times they'd made love. And, of course, they'd made love in this room, on this bed, for one seemingly unending Summer night two years ago. His tongue flickered over the shaft, exploring the raised veins which trailed across its surface. Ray was shivering in the warm air, and Ben wondered what it must have cost him, all these months, to hold back. Eyes still closed, Ben slid his tongue down the length of Ray's cock and over the sensitive cockhead.   
  
A deep groan from Ray made him look up. The look on Ray's face stunned him. He looked like a man at the end of his endurance, and yet still he held back, passively allowing Ben to make all the choices. But there  _was_ no choice, not if they ever wanted to be free... Ben took the length of his lover's cock deep into his mouth, his eyes never leaving Ray's.  _Ray_  was the one who had brought him this far, Ray's strength and determination would take him all the way...  
  
For a long, breathless moment neither man moved, then a tiny, convulsive shiver translated into a tentative thrusting movement. Gently Ray's cock slid back and forth against his tongue. His hands, resting lightly on Ray's hips, felt the slight flexing of muscles as Ray moved with such exquisite care. He let them roam over Ray's buttocks, encouragingly, but the steady rhythm never changed and, after a moment, Ray drew back.  
  
"Ray..." He whispered his lover's name longingly.  
  
But Ray shook his head. "Not tonight, love. Besides, you're kinda over-dressed, aren't you?"  
  
"Oh..." He looked down at himself, becoming aware of his own body for the first time. Ray hadn't undone more than a few buttons of his shirt, and he was suddenly uncomfortably aware of the tightness of his jeans. "I suppose I am."  
  
Ray grinned shakily and dropped to kneel between his thighs. "Maybe I should do something about that."  
  
"I wish you would." He drew Ray close for a long kiss, allowing Ray to taste himself on his lover's lips.  
  
When they parted Ray's green eyes were huge. "Oh, Benny..."  
  
He applied himself to unbuttoning Ben's shirt and longjohns, taking his time, and thoroughly exploring every square inch of skin as it was uncovered. It wasn't long before Ben was shaking helplessly under the relentless onslaught on his senses. He hardly noticed Ray unfastening his jeans, but the sudden liberation of his cock sent him reeling into overload.  
  
Instantly, he was released and Ray pulled back. Ben groaned his disappointment.  
  
"You want me to stop, Benny?"  
  
He dragged in a sobbing breath. "No! Oh God, Ray... don't... please..."  
  
It seemed as though Ray understood his admittedly disjointed plea. He put his hands squarely in the centre of Ben's chest and gently pushed him backwards.  
  
"Why don't you just take a breather?"  
  
His jeans were carefully eased down off his hips, then, after a pause, his longjohns. Ray's eyes watched him intently across the length of his body, and Ben managed a small, heartening smile. It was returned, and then Ray bent his head to kiss the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. The same thoroughness that had been used on his chest was now applied to his lower body... sweet, tender kisses, delicate strokes of the tongue... his body was on fire.   
  
Finally Ray came to the place that Ben had been eagerly, if nervously, anticipating. A soft wet caress the length of his shaft send shudders coursing through him. The gentle sucking of his balls made him cry out incoherently. All through it, Ray's hands were caressing him soothingly, as though he were a highly strung stallion. His body arched up against those hands and Ben sobbed helplessly.  
  
But Ray hadn't finished yet. His hot, wet mouth descended lovingly over the head of Ben's cock, sucked delicately, then continued to engulf him. He started a strong, gentle sucking which drove Ben wild with hunger, while his fingers caressed the base of Ben's cock. Ben fought the urge to plunge upwards into Ray's skillful mouth, and lay panting, his fingers clenched in the bedding.   
  
After a moment, he regained a semblance of control.   
  
"Ray..." He reached for his lover, drawing him up, to lie alongside him on the bed.  
  
Those long, beautiful fingers caressed his face, and the sensual lips trembled into a smile. "Oh, love... are you still OK with this?"  
  
"Yes." He returned the smile, still hardly able to believe this was actually happening. "Oh, Ray, I want you so much."  
  
"You've got me, Benny." Ray kissed him slowly. "Any way you want me, you got me."  
  
Ben allowed a hint of mischief to creep into his voice. "Any way?" He reached between their bodies and began to stroke firmly along the now rampant cock of his lover.  
  
" _Any_  way, Benny." Ray groaned softly, pressing into his grasp.  
  
Within moments their bodies had gravitated together as naturally as any two celestial bodies. They began a slow, horizontal dance... hands, bodies, mouths, cocks... all responding to an unheard rhythm. The sound of their moans and sighs was all the music they needed. Ben could feel the power rising in him, as it had in the spirit world, hot, deep... volcanic... as before, it overwhelmed him evaporating his fears in its ferocious heat.

*

  
  
Their bodies were still twined tightly together, and the heat trapped between them was intense. Uncomfortably intense, but Ray wasn't about to make any sudden moves. What had happened between them had been so incredible, almost miraculous, that Ray was afraid to spoil it. Not to mention the fact he was afraid to startle Benny, who was barely conscious right now. But when Ben began to stir, drowsily, Ray felt free to resume their lovemaking. Sure, they had all night, but they also had a lot of time to make up for.  
  
Benny seemed to be happy enough to be kissed and cuddled and caressed, basking sleepily in the afterglow of one of the most powerful sessions of lovemaking Ray had ever experienced. He moaned his pleasure, but hardly moved under Ray's loving ministrations. Both their skins were slippery with sweat, and Ray savoured the tangy taste of it as he sucked on a tight little nipple, then abandoned it without regret in favour of other, more exotic flavours on Benny's semen smeared belly.  
  
He'd barely touched his lips to the slick surface, when Ben moved sharply beneath him, pushing him away with urgent hands.   
  
"No, Ray."  
  
Ray blinked, startled by the sudden change in his lover. After what they'd just done, he hadn't expected this kind of reaction. Even so, it didn't occur to him to argue.  
  
"Benny, what's wrong? Are you OK?" Ray examined his lover's face carefully.  
  
Ben smiled. "I'm fine Ray." He reached for Ray, pulling him into his arms. "We just can't do that."  
  
"Oh?" Ray pushed back a tendril of hair clinging to Ben's damp forehead. Seeing him like that, Ray would have obeyed his slightest whim, but he was puzzled.  
  
"Ray, surely..." Ben stopped, his eyes widening. "It hasn't even occurred to you... Oh, Ray." Suddenly he sounded on the verge of tears, and Ray's heart twisted with silent pain.  
  
"What is it, Benny? Tell me."  
  
Ben managed to raise a tremulous smile. "Ray, I was raped. None of my attackers wore condoms. Until I can have an HIV test, we mustn't take any chances."  
  
"Ohmigod... ohmigod,  _Benny..._ " It  _hadn't_  occurred to him. In all those months in the cabin, it had never once occurred to him to think of that. Even survival had been a hopeless dream for so much of that awful time. Now his life was turned upside down again in a single moment.  
  
"Ray!" It was a protest, and Ray loosened his fierce grip with an incoherent apology. "Ray, don't. It's a precaution, that's all. When we get back to Chicago I'll have a blood test done. Until then, we should be careful."  
  
Benny's calm words didn't help at all. After all they'd been through, he was going to lose Benny... He didn't even notice he was crying until he felt Benny's soft kisses on his already wet cheeks.  
  
"Don't cry, love. It's going to be all right." Ben smiled "We've survived everything that's happened to us, and we're still together... I simply don't believe we're meant to be apart."   
  
Benny's face blurred again and Ray blinked furiously. "Yeah, I guess the old boy'd be pretty pissed if anything went wrong like that."  
  
He was rewarded with a long kiss. "I'm sure you're right."  
  
It was going to be a  _very_  long wait, until they got those blood test results... "So when are we going back to Chicago?" Ray thought about that a moment. They hadn't even talked about what they were going to do. " _Are_  we going back?"  
  
"Of course we are, Ray. Chicago is our home." It seemed to be a foregone conclusion

*

  
  
It was quiet in the cab, except for the occasional whine from Dief. Ray was hit by a huge, uncontrollable yawn. It had been a long and tiring day. In the far corner of the cab, Benny was still and silent. Asleep, Ray hoped, not worrying. The airport had been quite an ordeal for them both after nearly a year with little or no company. But Ray had commandeered the cab in true Chicago style, and now they were nearly home. Benny wasn't the only person in the cab with reason to be worried.  
  
The last time Ray had seen his family, they'd barely been on speaking terms. Not after he'd announced that he intended to bring his lover home to stay, if he was ever released from hospital. They'd only grudgingly accepted the relationship as long as he and Benny had kept it totally out of the Vecchio house. The prospect of having the two of them living together had been about as popular as the idea of delivering a box of contraceptives to the Pope.  
  
If there was any other option, Ray wouldn't even have considered doing this, but for tonight at least, there  _was_  no other option. The airfares back to Chicago had taken what remained of the money he'd had in the bank, and paying for Dief's transport had pretty much cleaned out Benny. Still, provided he could get his old job back, they'd be able to manage until they could find an apartment. Maybe a week, he thought, optimistically.  
  
The neighbourhood hadn't changed much. Well, it had only been a year. Not even that... It was hard to remember that. The cab pulled over to the curb, and Ray leaned across and touched Ben's arm.  
  
"Benny? You awake?"  
  
A soft grunt was his only answer. Then Ben straightened. "Of course I'm awake, Ray. Are we here already?"  
  
Ray grinned. "Yep. Come on, Dief's waiting for one of Ma's lasagnas."  
  
There was a brief scramble as they got their packs out of the trunk. Incredible to think that they'd survived so long with so little. The air of Chicago was giving Ray urges... or maybe it was just being close to all that Armani, hopefully still hanging in Ray's closet.   
  
They stood in the dusk and stared at the big old house. He'd told Benny they might not exactly be welcomed with open arms, but maybe he should have been a bit more explicit. Suddenly, this didn't seem like a good idea at all.  
  
"Come on, Ray." A hand slipped into his, squeezed it briefly and released it. Dief went trotting up the path, then stopped, looking back over his shoulder.  
  
He shouldered his pack and they walked up the path, neither of them in any hurry. They'd almost got to the first step when the door was flung open and Frannie came out, her head turned to shout some last remark back into the uproar coming from inside the house. She must have caught a glimpse of them, because she swung around and stopped dead, her jaw dropping.  
  
"Ray?"  
  
Her voice was sharp with surprise, and Ray felt Ben flinch. "Yeah. We're back."  
  
Frannie's eyes darted from one to the other of them, incredulously. "Ohmigod!  _Ma_! They're back! They've come back!"  
  
"Who's back, cara?" His mother's voice drifted out from the sudden silence within the house.  
  
His heart pounding, Ray took a few steps forward. "I am, Ma."  
  
There was a loud shriek in Italian and his mother erupted onto the porch. "Raimondo! Caro! Dio mio, you're home?"  
  
She stopped at the sight of Ben, still a few steps behind Ray.  
  
"Yeah. We both are. C'm'ere, Benny." He didn't need to see Ben to feel his reluctance, but a moment later they were standing side by side. "You got any room for us?"  
  
There was a small silence, then his mother spoke quietly. "Come inside."  
  
They all trooped into the house, Frannie too, in silence. Even Dief was affected by the atmosphere... instead of trotting straight to the kitchen he hung back, beside Ben, watching guardedly. Tony and Maria were in the lounge, the kids, obviously, in bed, from the quiet. Ben was silent as a ghost at his side, and Ray had never felt more at a loss for words in his entire life.  
  
His mother turned, her mouth already opening to speak. It shut again with a snap. Everybody was staring at them. Ray threw a quick glance at Ben, wondering what the hell was going on.  
  
"Dio mio, Raimondo... Benton... you're both so  _thin_!"  
  
Ben shuffled uncomfortably. "I'm sorry..." His voice trailed off.  
  
"Geez, Benny! Don't  _apologise_..." Ray stopped as Ben flushed painfully. He turned back to his mother, sliding an arm around Ben's waist. "Benny's been sick. Of course he's thin. He needs some good cooking, we both do."  
  
By the glint in his mother's eyes, he'd said exactly the right thing. "Caro, you and Benton take a seat. There's some leftover lasagna in the freezer... I'll have it ready for you in no time. We can talk later."

*

  
  
Later, their stomachs full of his Ma's best lasagna, there was no talking. Not when Benny was so exhausted he was falling asleep at the dinner table. Ray had simply swept him upstairs to his room, made sure the bed was properly made up and aired, then undressed him and tucked him into bed. He'd fallen asleep immediately.   
  
Ma had come in and fussed a little, but she'd been so shocked by their appearance that she hadn't had the heart to lay down the law about living in sin and all that stuff that was bound to crop up sooner or later. Ray had simply kissed her and put her outside the door and told her he was going to have a shower and go to bed himself.   
  
She'd disappeared down the hallway clucking her disapproval, but that was only to be expected. Her reaction had been  _much_  more to the point, the last time they'd had this little discussion... Ray suspected that by the morning, once they'd already spent a night in the house, in bed together, he and Benny would have got over the biggest hurdle. As long as the house wasn't hit by divine retribution overnight.  
  
Ray grinned, and looked at the dark head resting on the pillow.  _His_  lover. In  _his_  bed... Maybe a shower wasn't so necessary after all. He shucked his clothes and climbed in next to Ben, snuggling up to his warm bare skin. Ma hadn't been any too pleased when she'd noticed  _that_ , either. With a sleepy murmur, Ben turned into his arms and Ray kissed the curls that were tickling his chin, then reached over him to switch off the light.

 

 


End file.
